Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sgt. Sucker

Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli-lolli-lolli-lollipop! Pop! Da dee dum dum...

Maria (my best friend) and I were having our fourth dishing conversation of the day when she brought up a mutual friend who started bombarding Maria with all kinds of sex questions the other day. Specifically how to give a blowjob.


It startled me for a few reasons, the most important one being that we are way beyond the starting age for that, correct? How could she not know?! How does any female or "les-be-hon-est" (you'll get that later) male above the age of fifteen not know how to perform fellatio? With today's Gossip Girl/90210 culture, it could be younger and is the equivalent of a darn hug! Maria and I had a riotous laugh about it, but it made me think of how many grown women out there probably don't know the first thing about pleasing their partner. Or maybe even themselves! Not to sound like Dr. Ruth, but any kind of sex is perfectly normal. No shame in this game! Any and all baggage must be left at the door, so whether you're having a one night stand (yikes), getting it on for the third time that day with your boy (score!), or the once a month jaunt when you're married (ugh), let go and light that bed on fire. Now, that being said, please know that we have all failed to ignite at times. Everyone has had bad experiences. It comes with the territory. Even Jenna Jameson fell off the horse sometimes, which means you definitely can. After all, that girl gets more pumps than petrol.

But I honestly feel bad for any 2009 individual who hasn't studied Blowjob 101 because if you do it just right...well, than it's off to the races. But because of my sympathetic nature, I will share with you my compiled answer to my uneducated friend's question:

Q: What exactly is required to make fellatio a success?

A: There are so many ways to answer this question, but here are the basics:
  • Fourplay works in your favor, so do all the kissing, teasing, rubbing, and touching you can before going down for the actual deed. Leave no inch untouched, more is more in this scenario. It'll help the build up, which can only help him and in turn, you.
  • This is not a hands free state, so don't leave those two helpers out. I think this speaks for itself, but revert back to your high school (or middle school) jerking off days and go to town. Or simply ask him to show you what he does to himself-you'd be surprised how rough he is with his member. Then you'll know exactly how to "handle" the situation.
  • Show him you're just as into it as he is, which you should be, but if not, please play the part as if you were vying for an Oscar. Moaning and groaning will get you everywhere, not to mention its similar to humming...ahem.
  • No teeth. If I bit you in a rather sensitive area, you wouldn't like it either. There's a quote that says, "If god intended us to give blowjobs, he would've never given us teeth." But he did, so chill on the dental action. Less is more here...if anything maybe a little nibble. I find that drawing your teeth lightly along the shaft (start at the base and go up) gets a good reaction.
  • Play with tactics. You don't need to go hard and fast at all times. Bobbing for apples is fun, but it gets old after a while. Besides, it's tiring. You don't have to own a disengaged jaw to work wonders (but at some point, you MUST learn to do the infamous deep throat, but I'm assuming we're talking about the novice approach). Penises are super sensitive, especially just under the head and along the shaft, so try different things. Have fun, be playful, see what works, what doesn't. You'll be able to tell what he likes, trust me.
  • Balls to the wall, kids. Say it with me: do. not. neglect. testicles. Suck 'em, lick 'em, rub 'em, fondle 'em, just take care of them.
  • A ton of men are not into any kind of anal stimulation, but there are rumors that it makes the end result that much better. I have yet to go there, but I will say that the area between his penis and his ass (perineum) is verrryyyy easily affected, so if you can get your fingers in the right place without scaring the crap out of him (pun intended), by all means give it a shot.
  • As you reach the moment of truth, you have to suck up any discomfort you may have and quicken your pace. Use your hand, your mouth or both, just don't stop. I'd even say continue on after the climax-he should be super sensitive and assuming you want what's coming your way, I wouldn't let him lull off into the night. Ps-I can't tell you what to do as far as spitting or swallowing, that's on you, girly.
Sheesh, that made me tired, but if I've helped anyone out here than Blackie's work is done. The point is that there's such a variety of ways to do the job. The list could go on and on so ask questions, watch movies, join a swingers club -ok, don't really do that- but do what you must to be the best sucker, licker, lover, whatever that you possibly can! As they say in the army: "Be all that you can be!"

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins

1 comment:

  1. "Fourplay works in your favor, so do all the kissing, teasing, rubbing, and touching you can before going down for the actual deed. Leave no inch untouched, more is more in this scenario. It'll help the build up, which can only help him and in turn, you."

    This is great advice to give to guys when dealing with women. But total fail when doing the converse. As a man, there are 2 square centimeters of real estate on our entire body that have nerve endings. That's the spot under the tip and the aforementioned nacho. You spending a whole lotta time licking around the neck, nipples, and belly button and other places does absolutely nothing for us. If it gets you hot and bothered, that's cool, but for us, it's like sitting through previews of Mamma Mia and the Notebook waiting for Scarface 2 to start.