Tweet These Nuts

Social media is real. Social media is fun. Social media is real fun. But social media can also single handedly ruin your entire social life. And by social life I mean sex life. Yes, I spend hours on Facebook stalking my friends and boos. Yes, I tweet pretty much all day and constantly check my timeline as if the world might come to a terrifying end if I don't see what everyone is up to at that very moment. Yes, I had a Myspace page back in the day-I was even on Friendster. And yes, I have a Blackberry and am painfully stapled to it. Seriously, it's the only consistent, long-lasting relationship I've had that's been this successful. We get along grandly. Because of our love (and hate) for each other, my Blackberry keeps me in touch with everyone and not just through Facebook and Ubertwitter apps, but through gchat, BBM, and any other social networking applications on there that I haven't even discovered yet. So, it's safe to say, I'm linked in. But being connected can definitely cause some disconnect in your life. How, Blackie, you might ask and on the whole, I'm glad you did. Cause here's how:

Location update. You're out with friends, the night's just getting started, everyone's got that whole anything-can-happen feel and you pick up your smartphone and hit up 4square with an update as to where you guys are hanging. Me and 24 others are at Hotel Indigo's Roof Top. It's about to go down tonight! Meanwhile, Dave, who you've been meaning to call back, but just haven't gotten around to, just happened to sign into 4square. Now he knows where you are, which would be fine except for one small factor: You told him you were feeling flu-ish just last night in a last minute text message once you realized he'd called twice, leaving a message the second time asking what you were up to that night, did you want to catch a movie? Now Dave knows you were lying and even if you aren't and just happen to be feeling better, you still haven't had time to call him back, but seem to have enough time to go to Indigo and get a badge on 4square while you're at it.

Relationship status. You've been seeing Mindy quite a bit this summer. In fact, you two decided to relive your teenage years and go bonkers at Six Flags last weekend together. But you haven't completely ended things with Joan, your winter/spring boo. One day Joan hops on Facebook and what does she see? That you've been tagged in some girl named Mindy's picture album titled: Fun at Six Flags With My Babe! So now Joan's pissed. But wait, there's more. When Mindy comes online moments later, she sees some comments left by a girl named Joan on you're page. She's curious, so she clicks on Joan's profile and is shocked to see that she's listed as In A Relationship with YOU! You might win some, but you really lost one...or two. Cause @KimKardashian will follow your ass on Twitter before either of those girls friend you on Facebook or in real life again.

Twitter chatter. Sometimes people forget that their timeline is public. Maybe you meant to hit the DM button or maybe you just forgot you were on the regular @ feed. Either way, I've seen some really interesting twitter conversations between people who are dating...other people. Not only that, but I have friends who definitely spend a bit too much time on twitter (hello, pot, name's kettle), reading the timeline of their man, calling me whenever something looks awry. I'm not kidding. I actually had a friend call me and ask me why her boyfriend was tweeting his baby's mother. I'm gonna guess it's because they made a kid or something. When he tweets Girl, I'm coming over there with a three week old hard on, we can start worrying and calling DayDay and 'em or the Twitter police.

Profile Pic. I've talked about the profile pic before, but I'll reiterate. It's your first impression before you even get to make one and it can make or break. Oh, the messages and requests I get on these sites...they usually have something to do with how friggin hot I am in my profile pictures. I'm kidding. Ok, not really. Every single person on this earth knows their good side, knows whether or not they look good with an all out tooth smile or a lips together, Mona Lisa smirk. So, set the timer on your camera and do a mini photo shoot, picking the best for your profile pic. Sounds like too much work? You just don't care? Don't think it's important? Guess what, she agrees, but in a completely different way-the undesired way.

Corny online = Even cornier in real life. I had a crush on a guy who I thought was so cute and weird. He was so off my beaten path. But every time he'd tweet something, I'd wish he hadn't. His tweets were just so odd and not funny...ever. No, really, never. And people who knew I was talking to him would gchat me and say, "Did you see your boy's last tweet? Why do you like him again?" That's pretty sad for a couple reasons. One, we're that lame that that's what we're talking about on gchat and two, that he was that lame to tweet whatever he tweeted in the first place. It was a huge turn off.

Everything but the kitchen sink. So you sent him a PM on Facebook yesterday. Just a little cute hey babe, what's up? Just to break the monotony of the usual calls/texts/bbms, etc. You check back later that day, no response. A little later, still no response. Then you check your timeline and see that he's changed his status three times, written on four people's walls, has posted a new profile picture, and has all but written the great american novel under his "Notes" tab, but still. hasn't. responded. to. you. Paging the Mayor of Side Eye City.

Green light. Green means go, as in on gchat, when your little screen name has a green colored circle next to it, you're actively online. So when he hits you and says, "how's work going?" and you say nothing, he knows you're simply ignoring him. Of course, you can claim later that you were busy, in a meeting, left your computer on (which doesn't help because it flips to orange/idle), or say you were signed into your BB and didn't realize. (BB gchat stays green constantly which I'd like to take a moment to congratulate and chastise the good people at Blackberry for having so many social tools on their little devices to which so many can use to catch their significant others and friends in lies and devious acts. I love you, guys for that, but also hate you for driving me insane a I check BBM delivery statuses and gchat green lights.) But despite your excuses, he'll still have several minutes or hours to sit and look at your little icon, wondering why you aren't responding. Trust me, I've been reamed out by an ex because I wasn't answering fast enough.

So what do we do? Log out? Unlink? Disconnect? Damn technology is making it so you can't do anything without everyone knowing and worst of all, we've somehow decided that people actually care what we're doing in 140 characters or less or that we picked some flowers for you and posted them on your Facebook wall. There are days when I decide to leave my Blackberry at home, when I choose not to tweet for a little while, and lord knows, I was never on Facebook up until a few weeks ago (I sign in under someone else's account...), and on those days, I kinda feel free. Like I can do whatever, stop and smell the roses, push an annoying New Yorker into ongoing traffic on 46th and 7th, whatever my heart desires and no one will know! No one! Looks like we all have a decision to make: computer love or the real kind.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins