5 Reasons You Shouldn't Sleep w/ Your Ex

You broke up. You're more or less over it. So what. Blah blah blah. But the sex. OOOH, the sex. You miss it. Of course you miss it! Duh. So....why not? Well here's why you shouldn't revisit sexytime with someone who's time has come... and gone.

Feels like the first time. Or not. It's never quite as good as it once was. Why not? Because you used to be in all kinds of lurve and we all know sex full of emotion is way better than the opposite kind. Might as well leave all those lovely memories where they belong-right on Memory Lane where love don't live anymore.

Too much feeling. One of the biggest reasons I've never gone back sexually to my (major) ex boyfriend is because I knew without a doubt that he wouldn't be able to be with me without expecting more, hoping for reconciliation. Now before you decided I'm a completely arrogant prick, know that I broke it off for good with him and every few months after (and still), I get a phone call or a text or a BBM that says something along the lines of, "I miss you and want you back." I tried to sleep with him once before and we wound up getting back together. Never again.

Standstill. It is virtually impossible to move on from a relationship when you are continually going back to that person emotionally, mentally, physically, so why would sexually be any different. If anything, it might be worse. It's just so hard to develop feelings for someone knew when you refuse to leave the old ones alone and I don't care what you say, it's really really hard to separate feelings when you once had so many of 'em. But good luck, lemme know it goes.

Too. Good. Let's say you go back and it's awesome; just as you remembered it except better. Now you're in real trouble. One of two things will happen: A, you will keep sexing, fall back into the habit of being around each other, and get back together. It'll be all nice and slow until you start to remember exactly why you broke up in the first place. Now you're sorta fucked. Well, not really anymore cause now we have to go through another lovely breakup and trust me, it's worse the second time around. OR B, you keep sexing because it's just so damn good and then one day he sits you down and tells you the sex has to stop because he's met a great girl and he wants to give it a real shot. She gets to have your good sex now. Whoopy!

Dead and gone. Worst case scenario, honestly, is probably going back and having it be bad, not because it just isn't as good, but because it's just so empty. It's over. You really are over it and so is he. Then it's just kinda painful and completely not worth the effort. Hell, you coulda had a V8.

Don't say I didn't warn you. In fact, I'd love for you to go out there, find your ex, diddle his pickle, and find out for yourself. I've given so much damn advice and people still do what they want. I find the best advice is learning from your own mistake. Work it out in the c-section-add you own. You know the deal.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins

A Gift From You to You

Hey kids, couple things to check out today. This current post, of course, and my article written for AOL Black Voices on Love Wednesday. Anslem Samuel, author of Naked With Socks On, and I teamed up with "10 Lies Women Tell" versus "10 Lies Men Tell (and a few more because men lie a lot)" Enjoy!!

"Closure is not something a man gives you, it's something you give yourself."-@madamnoire

I saw this quote on twitter last week and immediately RT'd it for obvious reasons, the most being I loved it. It just made so much sense in one of those clunk on the head, simple ways. Like duh! It got me thinking about my past relationships, those that ended well and those that went down in flames, and this quote won in every single instance.

For some reason, women really feel they need closure or the stamp to move the f*ck on from some guy. A friend of mine, Nina, is in one of those platonic male/female friendships that isn't actually platonic at all, but mostly on her part while he gets the best of both worlds: he gets the "you're my bestest friend in the whole world" routine AND sexytime. I've been telling her for almost a year to let that dude, James, catch the K, but she insists that he's all kinds of confused and that he really does love her, just doesn't know what to do, blah blah blah. That's what I hear when she imposes all her complex female feelings on his simplistic male psyche. I have seen this whole "friendship" blowing up since the beginning. Since she over analyzed her interaction with him while he fell for another girl who he punched a wall over and broke his hand or something. Whatever. Anyway, my inner Cleo saw it coming, which brings us to the current issue.

Long story short (something I never do well), Nina and James went out for a beer and to catch up, which was normal for them. At the end of the night, Nina invited James up to "make out for a little bit." Again, normal for them (odd to me, but whatever). So Nina and James go upstairs and make out for said little bit before things escalate and Nina and James go from making out to knocking boots.

At this point in the story, as it was being relayed to me, Nina says she felt weird, like the connection they had back in the beginning (when they were pseudo-dating) was absent. Apparently, the "no strings, platonic friendship despite being in love with you" sex wasn't working for her and when they finished, James announced he was going to go home instead of stay the night since he had to get up early in the morning. To this, Nina burst into tears. James was confused, he asked what was wrong. Nina attempted through snot and tears (which she later blamed on PMS), to ask him why they weren't together, why they couldn't work, etc. To which James replied, "I really don't want to have this conversation right now." Not having much of a choice, Nina continued on her quest and they had one of those kinds of exchanges that embarrasses listeners who weren't even involved or present. As Nina told me how she almost begged him to give her reasons why he didn't want to be with her, how he kept reiterating how he just didn't see her that way, that he tried, I physically cringed on the other end of the phone. I kept wanting to stop her, like, "Girl! What were you thinking? Not your finest hour at all," but we've all been there at some point (mine just so happened to be when I was 16 and I never went there again. I am still highly embarrassed by that story. Perhaps why I haven't told it in detail.) so I left that part out. Instead, when she finally finished, I asked, "What exactly did you want to gain from that conversation?" She rattled off a few answers, the most relevant being: "I need answers, I needed to know why not so I could move on one way or the other." I found this part interesting. Nina was under the impression, as are many, that she needed James to give her the go ahead to move the heck forward. As if he were the quicksand holding her back and had suddenly released her from stagnant prison. Nope. Nina didn't realize all that time that she had the keys to processing and filing away. We may feel like we need closure from the other parties involved, we may even trick ourselves into thinking we can't move on without beating the horse til it's dead six times over, but it simply isn't true. It is entirely possible to control your own feelings, your own actions, your own outcome. You look yourself in the face and say, "Bitch, please. He's a dirtbag and it's his loss." And because you surely don't believe it initially, you work the whole fake-it-til-you-make-it angle until you look in the mirror and don't even think about the fool you think you need permission from to move on with your life. It's really that simple. Sure, forgoing closure from him is hard in practice, but trust me, the theory is solid, and probably the best present you could ever give yourself.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins

It's A Wrap

I was reading an issue of Essence magazine when I came across Steve Harvey's "Three Ways You Know It's Over." I agreed more or less with his three choices-He won't go to counseling with you, doesn't care when you're upset or angry, and doesn't tell you where he is at all times-but it had got me thinking. Aside from the conversations or lack there of about the relationship, what are the telltale signs that you're about to be solo?

Whenever you're together, there isn't much to say

Not the comfortable silence that you enjoyed so much during the relationships, but the sad miserable ones, where you aren't quite sure what to say because you suddenly feel like you don't know the person with you in the room.

You sleep in a bed together

This is an obvious one. You lay in the same bed you used to tear up and instead it's quiet and still. The neighbor's have forgotten his name. You are no longer craving each other and if you are, whatever is in the way is enough to keep you from feasting.

You talk about other people to each other

This one is a hard one. You start to play the games again. Trying to make each other jealous or evoke some sort of sign that they care, so you start talking up the others that are trying to get at you. It isn't because you actually want them, but more because you want who's in front of you to protest, to beg you not to go there, to ask you to hang on a little while longer. But then there are the times when you talk about others because they really exist. And you two are no longer a reason to abstain from those others.

No Trust

We all know no relationship can work without trust. So when he's on his phone, texting away or you're G-chatting in full force, don't be surprised to catch him trying to see your screen or by the questions going through your mind as he types away. Who's he talking to? Who's she flirting with on that computer? If you have to ask, well, you know the answer.

You just know

In your heart of hearts, the place you run from in your mind of justification and excuse-making, is the place where you simply know, it's done.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins