Monday, January 31, 2011

Dude Sit Down: No, Bang-a-rang Peter!

Somewhere along the line men were taught that blowing a girl's back out was the move. I don't know who told them, I don't know where they got the info, who the memo came from, and I worry constantly about these secret classes guys take throughout their lives because they seem to be getting so much wrong information. Who teaches them all this bullsh*t? They should be fired and whoever told them that cracking a chick's spleen was the business should be sent to jail without passing go and collecting $200 (and in said jail, someone should crack their spleen so that can see just how "good" it feels).

Think about it. When men talk about how they gave a girl the goods, they always say things like: blew her back out, broke her off, banged her out, dug into her, tore it up, and the like. I had a really funny conversation with a female friend of mine who lamented how rough men can be when it comes to cunnilingus. She likened it to chewing on a piece of bazooka, making her scream out slave spirituals where she was more praying someone would come and free her versus sentence her to a lifetime of this type of hard labor. The reality is that so many men are under the ridiculous impression that to hurt us is to make us happy. Personally, I blame Ja Rule.

Pain is not love, boys, pain is not love.

One of my closest guy friends, Sam, is married, but Sam used to be the ho of the earth. I often wondered how he even made it out of college alive, without an STD or six children. Instead, he's now settled down and even leads a couples' counseling group at his church. I've known him through the entire transition, and it's still hilarious to me, but just goes to show how men can change (given the right girl, I guess). Anyway, he made a really interesting comment and I've decided it should be turned into a movement. He said his wife taught him how to really have sex, that before he was just banging girls out, (and felt really good about himself for it), but when he met her, he learned how to finesse, how to do slow deliberate strokes, how to make her ass go crazy on a pretty regular basis. Um, hello? Can he be the one teaching the class instead? I'm not saying the hard stuff doesn't do the job, doesn't feel good, and in all honesty, isn't a LOT of fun, but variety is the spice of life, kids. I suggest y'all run (don't even think of walking or even a nice trot-full on sprint)to your nearest female proctor and get a lesson on how to really get down to business. She will show you that it isn't just about showing off your pelvic thrust muscles, or how fast and hard they pound, it's about how you rub it just the right way. Much more of a deep and purposeful Barry White R&B song rather a Wacka Flocka BOW BOW BOW BOW. So, take note, class is in session. Tell 'em B sent you. Pencils out. And Go!

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins


  1. Nah uh let me tell you bout your friend. He didn't just magically decide to be faithful. He prolly faced reality of what he's doing cuz something happened and it's just timing. It's not about the chick that changed him. Trust!

  2. B. man, one word: YESSSS.