A Trip to the Dentist

I was on the phone with my mother today and she was prattling on about the neighborhood gossip, things she knows I don't care about, but I listen to anyway, because that's what funny mothers and loving daughters do. She was going on about our dentist getting re-married and how he hadn't married the woman he'd been dating for a zillion years-since his divorce from one of my mom's good friends-and had married a more recent girlfriend instead.

I didn't care much, but I played along and asked why?

My mom went on to explain that the previous girlfriend wanted kids badly and despite him informing her throughout their relationship that he had many a grown child, eight grandchildren, and no, he didn't want anymore of either, she stuck around, trying to pry him away from his steadfast decision, maybe popped a few holes in a couple condoms, whatever. In the end, she got dumped and he married a fifty-something who had no desire to harvest some eggs she'd frozen back in the Ice Age.

It always amazes me the lengths women will go to keep a man. I don't mean the obvious, more insane tactics like trapping a man with a baby (which clearly works so well), I mean sacrificing in such a way where you'd have to be delusional at worst, demented at best to believe you will come out victorious or happy. Women make all these lists with their mate requirements (like be nice to me), then go on the biggest detour, clinging onto men who couldn't be further from that list. Yes, he's fine and make your legs melt, but he doesn't call you back, treats you like a mere option, and is oddly secretive among other issues. 2 out of 20 is not winning, babe. I mean this woman was willing to waste more time trying to release water from a rock rather than head on over to the lake and get herself an endless supply. She clearly wanted a child more than she wanted a husband (even though she might've convinced herself otherwise), so why didn't she just go get one? Like with someone who wanted one?

My guess is she didn't want to be alone and starting over at square one with a new man probably seemed less enjoyable than swallowing razor blades hidden under J-Woww's tongue. It's no secret women feel they have the cards stacked against them when it comes to relationships. Men have the numbers so they get their pick and many never pick anyway, so women must take what comes their way. Exciting prospects, seriously.

The truth is women fear being alone like the plague itself, so their ability to put up with bullsh*t, sacrifice their wants and needs, and compromise themselves is uncanny. Why do we do this?! When you compromise yourself, you don't have much left and the man you're bending over backwards for is probably going to be the first to lose respect for you and bounce anyway. He said no kids. Not ask again tomorrow, outlook cloudy, or any other 8-ball ambiguous response. He said none. That's pretty finite, and while people change their minds often, it's usually like, "I decided to have the chicken tarragon instead of the salmon for lunch," rather than, "I decided I wouldn't mind stopping my life, rewinding the clock, and having another child that was will creepily be younger than my grandchildren."

Unlike women, men are pretty simple, so no means no, my brother (are you deaf sucka?). So, when a man says, "I'm not doing this, I'm unhappy," they usually do just that. Women say, "I'm unhappy, but I'm sure this is just a rough patch," and go on to fight like Layla Ali, assuming they'll win the wifey title when it's all said and done. Meanwhile, it was over long before you ever stepped in the ring.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins