Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Girl Code

**Happy Valentine's Day, kids! Hope it was festive and full of love (making)...**

I'm hesitant on the girl code. No, I'm not a mean girl who thinks we should all go around stealing our friend's ex's, but I also think some chicks are claiming far more than their share. I had a friend who, in the simplest and most honest way of saying it, got around. She'd dated quite a bit, slept around a bit more. It's safe to say that she will tap out 3 of the 5 boroughs if she keeps at it in her current pace, but to the point. The point is she, unlike many girls, she doesn't get to stake her claim as frequently because the odds of running into a guy, who she happened to smash or date, is so incredibly high. So, we've all decided she gets two. TWO, that's it, so she better make them count.

In most cases, you steer clear of the old flames of friends because most times it isn't worth the trouble. Who wants to lose a good girlfriend for a boy she cast aside (or vice versa)? And let's say, you get the go-ahead. Congrats, you're now the proud participant in a slew of awkward group outings, divided circles of friends, and odd territorial fights that stem from the fact that you're dating the guy she once pictured in a tux at the bottom of an aisle, and less to do with which movie to choose at the cineplex. Or, you hide out, as the little dynamic duo you have decided to be, looking around street corners, hanging out on odd sides of town, finding new circles to rotate into. All so you don't run into your one time friend who you traded up and in for.

That's girl code. Let's discuss the guy code. I've always loved my close guy friends. They've schooled me in so many ways, there's little a guy can do that will shock or surprise me. Ain't nothing new under the sun, some is just a bit shinier, but it's all been done. Anyway, guy code. They don't date for real girlfriends of for real boys. For example, none of the guys on Jersey Shore would ever date Sammy because Ron would surely kill himself and everyone within a forty-two mile radius (those steroids make you verrryy emotional). Most guys don't frequently fall in love and cry hysterically on national television-or in real life-so when they do, their boys know not to tread even remotely close to that trail. She is off limits. Forever.

But somehow, men go after the friends of their ex-girlfriends may more regularly than altogether necessary. I'd like to say they just have a different code, but it really seems they just don't care. Case and point: I was at a club this weekend (for the most part, I believe anyone over the age of 27 is too old to be kickin it at the club, but a friend rented it out for a birthday celebration, so I gave myself a pass) when I ran into one of Maria's ex boyfriends, Oscar. Now Maria is my serial monogamous, she's had several boyfriends, none less than at least nine months to a year and almost all of whom would've married her on the spot if they could. So, let's say she's had about ten boyfriends in the 13 years I've known her. That means there are ten men running the earth who I will never go near; not with a pole the length of six football fields. So, when I ran into Oscar, I chopped it up, talked a bit and generally just caught up. Several moments into our conversation, though, Oscar reached out and interlaced his fingers through mine and linked our hands. The ensuing conversation is worth sharing because it proves the point:

Oscar: You look so pretty. I'm loving the eye make up. It's all smokey and mysterious.
B: Uh, thanks. Why are we holding hands?
Oscar: I don't know. Why not? *insert what is usually interpreted as a smile that charms the painties off most girls I'm sure*
B: Oh, ok. Not sure it's a good choice for this situation.
Oscar: Come on, why not? I've always liked you. Why can't we hang out?
B: Have you forgotten you dated my friend?
Oscar: *pauses as if trying to figure out which friend I'm talking about*
B: Maria.
Oscar: No, I knew who you were talking about. I mean, that was forever ago!
B: No, it wasn't. It was right after college and that doesn't matter. She's my best friend, Oscar. Not some girl I used to know.
Oscar: I bet if we asked her she'd be okay with it. We should definitely ask.
B: I'm not asking, but feel free.
Oscar: I just might. *smirks*

The conversation more or less ended there, but I was so annoyed by how persistent Oscar was. It was neither flattering or cute. It was just kinda sad and ridiculous. There are a million girls roaming this island and the fact that Oscar would rather add to the number of hurdles he'd have dating someone in such close proximity just isn't smart. And like I said, Maria isn't just an acquaintance or a girl I once knew. She's my best friend! The fact he didn't put it together is even more irritating. Not that we're close, but that he knows we are! The very fact that Maria and I are best friends, means I know all the ins and outs of their relationship, especially as to why they broke up. I know all about his overly flirtatious habits, about his lack of direction, about the desktop folder full of porn she discovered one rainy day. So, no thanks, Oscar, I'm good either way.

I do kinda hope Oscar calls Maria, though. Clearly, he doesn't remember her Gemini flipping tendencies. That conversation should be lovely. And I'll probably be giggling on mute via 3-way, like a real best friend should. Long live the girl code.

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins

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