Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's To The Max

I don't know about you guys, but I love these new Pepsi Max commercials. They're funny, to the point, and witty. Not to mention, they give everyone a 30 second lesson in gender differences and relationship advice. They make my job easier! *Gets jiggy with it*

The latest installment shows a first date taking place in a restaurant. The girl's interior thoughts (which viewers can hear, but not the participating daters) are rattling off things like: I wonder how much money he makes; I wonder if he loves his mother; I wonder if he'll lose his hair; I wonder if he wants kids; I wonder if he's the one. She's all smiles and apple pie as she runs the gambit in her head. Meanwhile across the table, the guy is doing the same except his interior monologue goes like this: I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her. Moments later, the server appears and places a Pepsi Max on the table in front of him and like a small child or cute puppy, the guy's eyes dart to the can as his brain seamlessly switches to: I wanna Pepsi Max, I wanna Pepsi Max, I wanna Pepsi Max, I wanna Pepsi Max, I wanna Pepsi Max. Suddenly, we cut back to the girl who glares at him and "thinks," Not a chance. To which the guy responds: Darn...wait, which one?


Not only is the woman a magical, mind reading creature (as we are in real life), the man is extraordinarily simple, which they are in real life, too, as I say constantly and stole from both experience and my guy friends, who would surely agree on their simplicity. The good people at Pepsi go even further by showing how extreme and complex women can be just with the first date, while the guy is going after his ultimate goal: sex. I guarantee if you are new to this blog, my readers will school you on how many times I've said men do everything to get some booty. They are the booty warrior from The Boondocks. "Booty is more important than drinking water." Period. And Pepsi knows it too.

As much as I love the Pepsi Max commercials, they aren't my point. They're my segue into today's post. A little Valentine's drama for you guys this morning. Maria is dating a new guy, Ron. He is special. They are special together. They will probably have a special marriage at some point. So it's all special and whatnot. A day or two before Valentine's day, Maria called and asked if she should get a card for Ron. She and Ron are not yet boyfriend and girlfriend, but it is understood that they are in a dating situation that is well on it's way to exclusivity and as I said before, some sort of permanent union. I told her she could go ahead and get him a card. No big deal. She also bought him a box of chocolates (which was more than I said to do and you'll see why she should've listened later). The evening before Valentine's Day, Ron cooks for Maria. On her way out, she sees a pile of Valentine's Day cards on his counter, and either consciously or subconsciously decides one must be for her. Valentine's Day comes...and Valentine's Day goes. By 11pm, Maria has not heard from Ron at all and despite them not having pinpointed any plans, she assumed they'd at least exchange cards, at least call each other. Instead Maria finds herself on the couch, watching Castle, eating said chocolates herself. She later got a stomach ache. Told ya.

Around midnight, Maria calls me and she's fuming. How could he forget Valentine's Day? Why didn't he at least call or text! Hell, an email? She spews at me. I explain that first of all, she would've been pissed with an email. Secondly, has she talked to him all day? Maybe something happened. Granted, I don't think anything did, but I was being nice, playing devil's advocate, trying to help out Ron who I actually think is a rare gem. Maria argues that they hung out the night before, that she saw the cards, that she just doesn't get how he could let such a special day go by without acknowledging perhaps the most special woman in his life...at least romantically. She has a point, so I tell her she does and we end it with her planning to wait til he calls because she refuses to call him. I concur.

The next afternoon, Ron calls Maria. He tells her about the awesome Mexican takeout he grabbed on the way home from work the night before. How her craving for chips and salsa sparked his own. He talks about how excited he is for their weekend trip and how his presentation at work went really great the previous day. He talks and talks and not once does he mention Valentine's Day or the fact that he forgot to wish her a good one. It is almost as if he pulled two pages off his Word of the Day calendar, skipping Valentine's altogether and missing out on the word "endemic."

Maria participates in the conversation, but being that she's about as subtle as a billboard when she's pissed, and celebrates every holiday down to Arbor Day, Ron notices immediately that something is off. He asks if she's okay. She says she's fine. Suddenly Ron is quick on the uptake and he asks again if she's sure she's okay. Finally Maria says, "No, Ron, I'm not okay, but I am not in a place where I can talk about what's upsetting me. We will talk about it tomorrow in class." By class, Maria is talking about the cooking class they signed up for...together (which is so New York of them, seriously). Ron doesn't like having to wait and asks if he can at least know the topic. Maria says, "Acknowledgement. It's about acknowledgement." She then ends the conversation and calls me screaming.

I don't know which is funnier. How completely out to lunch Ron is or how stereotypically female Maria is acting. It's like their own little Pepsi Max commercial and I'm gobbling it up, which Maria hates because I am not being "serious about something that matters to her."

Look, to Maria and anyone else who doesn't quite get how different men and women are (and how unserious Valentine's Day is), at the end of it all, men are very, very simple. They care about the basics and not much else in between. Life's challenges are solved easily as men seek out solutions and move on. They also barely get it and when they do, it's usually because some woman had to draw it out with an Etch-a-Sketch. Women, however, care immensely about a plethora of things that men could care less about. Women are emotional and complex, silly at times-especially during their period when they go absolutely crazy, but are also loyal and loving, so dudes deal with it. And we have vaginas, which if you didn't get anything from the Pepsi commercial, you at least learned it's all men really care about anyway.

I can't wait for Ron's excuse on missing V-day. He better get it together before President's weekend...

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins

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