Thursday, June 11, 2009

Welcome to Blackieworld!

Step right up, step right up, get your golden pass and map out the rides you absolutely must get on. Do you love fast roller coasters or are the water rides more your taste? Are you into watching the hourly musical productions or do you just want to grab a cotton candy and head to the Ferris wheel?

Well, just like the requirements of a perfect amusement park day, you must be just as serious about those of the partner you seek. I don’t care what you say: there are certain prerequisites that everyone has before hopping in with a possible partner. Gone are the days of the schoolyard caste system-yes we all still have a place in the greater caste systems of life-but we no longer fall into such specific elementary categories. The pretty girls with everything just right always liked the boys who had cool spikes or bowl cuts and played soccer, but would go on to be star basketball or football players (of course the pretty girls would become the cheerleaders or play lacrosse, which was also approved). There were the slightly nerdy kids who disappeared during last period to go to their gifted classes and always partnered up eventually. Every school had the outcasts or kids who couldn’t keep themselves out of mischief and they matched up too (There was always one of those bad boys that secretly made all the girls wanna leave the one they were with if necessary, though, whoops got a little distracted thinking about him). It was very specific and even then, young girls had requirements that would morph into full fledged ‘isms’ when they entered the adult dating pool.

Enter CJ. CJ is my best male friend and he’s straight. I love my gays, but for this article we must focus on CJ (sorry boys). CJ is a very attractive, super successful man who usually has his choice of females. He walks into a room and every girl’s eye finds his chiseled jaw line, while every guy shuffles and grunts at his “cannot possibly be his own” crystal eyes. Seriously, CJ is hated by many men, but loved by every woman, no matter what the type. Even if she thinks she has no chance, she will always at the very least look…and probably enter a slight world of make believe later on in the confines of own bedroom. Because CJ is so, well, perfect, he has to set his bar skewed so he can whittle out the riff raff and find someone on his level. He wasn’t always that way, though. CJ used to date the cute girl-the one all the guys on campus wanted to have on their arm. He’d proudly show her off like his shiny BMW and be the talk of the town, but the relationships never went far or beneath the surface. So CJ started concentrating on pretty girls who had a brain, which I hate to say is fleeting at times, so he cut out a huge chunk right there. Over the years, his requirements, or the things he became attracted to, became more and more specific and it almost seemed pointless to have any interest in him. Friends would ask what was up with CJ, how could he be single? What kind of girl was he interested in? And I’d always say, “He’s picky, but if he picks you, it’s a done deal.” CJ and I would laugh as we talked about the current “it” girl in his life (the girl that was getting it from all directions and then some) and how she was beginning to fall short and I would chastise him over those specificities that had somehow turned into ‘isms.’ One day he stopped me and said, “Wait a second, don’t pretend you don’t have just as many. Everyone does. You have to! Otherwise you end up with Average Joe or Jane, in an averaged-ass relationship.” I sat and thought about all my ‘isms.’ All the times I dumped a guy because he wasn’t smart enough (rarely, lol) or kind enough (often) or funny enough (a lot-get your jokes together, guys, come on). And of course the times that his looks faded and I started to see him for what he was-just a flawed man.

There are so many reasons why we latch onto some or comparatively, ditch them. Those reasons start off general, i.e. when you’re playing in the sandbox, and become much more specific, when you enter the dreaded world of serious relationships (the search is on for a wife or husband, let’s be honest). Those things that make you tick are the things that make you come back for more over and over. So, while I hate self-help books on relationships (they’re extremely skewed and usually just common sense), I do agree on the exercise of making a list, whether it be tangible or in the back of your mind, of all the things you want in your mate. I have no problem with having a specific list of ‘isms’ because quite honestly, in one phrase or less, it’s an expensive ticket to Blackieworld and there’s a height requirement to get on this ride.

That bitch stole my line…

xoxo Blackie Collins

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