Monday, April 5, 2010

I Bet The Bridesmaids Know My Name

Getting married is a big event for many couples, especially the bride. They spend months, maybe even years planning the big day-it is said to be the best moment of her life; the day she becomes a wife. The dress is altered to a T, the table settings have been slaved over with detail, flowers are in place, the string quartet is paid and ready, it's go time. All the months of planning, all the preparation, all the stress goes out the window as you link up with daddy and head down the aisle. You peruse the guests, smiling at friends, tearing up at family. Then you see her. His close friend, Sandra. She has been around since their freshman year at college, you know her well. At least as well as possible being connected through your soon to be husband. All his friends call her the homie, but when your eyes fall upon Sandra, Sandra has a look of longing on her face...and she's looking at your groom, the "homie." You always joked that their relationship would be more than friends if he'd just give her the chance, you gave her the puppy dog title long ago, but now as you look at her and remember how he INSISTED she be invited at the least (after he proffered her name as a bridesmaid-"she's like a sister to me"), and suddenly you feel a bit queasy. See back in college, there was a night. A night where your then unknown husband to be and said friend took it a step too far. And ever since then he knew she wasn't meant to be anything more but by the look on Sandra's face, she feels the opposite. And all the while you're walking down the aisle, images of them, locked in arms, humping to Jodeci fly through your mind.

And your $50,000 moment is ruined.

This is why the invite list should be void of anyone you or he have sexed. They are off limits. From the moment the line was crossed, their names were crossed off the guest list.

A male friend of mine is getting married and two of his female friends are in the wedding. IN the wedding and not mutual friends between bride and groom but HIS friends. Now, I obviously know this guy well, so I'll tell you it's safe for you to assume two things: one, he probably slept with one or both of them (either simultaneously or on separate occasions) and two, this marriage won't last most likely so who cares? But the fact that she okayed this, said, "Sure babe, I'll reserve a special place in my bridesmaid line up and let them share that day with me. No problem" is mere insanity. It's bad news. I used to joke with THAT guy that we'd come to each others weddings, should we not wind up together. He used to always refuse the idea and while I knew why, I always asked, swore it wasn't a big deal, "we're friends!" He'd tell me something slick like, "yeah, but I wouldn't trust myself to not object when the minister asked if there were any takers." I laughed, happy that he'd be miserable if I ended up with someone else, but the reality is I wouldn't want to be at his wedding either (and ironically, I wasn't invited). It's awkward and an all around bad idea! I barely want to be around friends who are dating guys I used to sneak on the low with, a topic on which we won't even remotely elaborate, so don't even ask.

The guest list should not be a who's who of people who's boots you've knocked. It should be supporters and well-wishers. So, make it as painless as possible, I mean, my goodness, we're talking about marriage here. It's already complicated enough. Do yourself a favor now while you still can.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins

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