Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dude Sit Down: How'd I Do?

I never quite understand why men like to delight in their sexual prowess but for some reason, they totally do. They want to know how it went, how it felt, what they did that you loved, how many times you climaxed, if you would in fact put them in the Guinness Book of World Records for best sexual prowess. Sometimes I feel like they want a literal play by play, the highlights reel, or they come completely unhinged, which just seems altogether weird to me. I don't ask them how great I was, but then again, I don't have the weight of our sexual experience riding on my shoulders, which is an incredibly dramatic statement, but you get my drift. I also don't ask because I know what I'm like in bed and I'd rather the compliments be volunteered versus asked for, but whatever. Moving right along. So, I recently had someone ask me "how he did?" It was thrown in in such a nonchalant way-like months after the fact too (I am still Keeping Up with The Abstinence, although I have no idea how long the season will last-probably gonna get cancelled). I was totally caught off guard. It went like this:

Him: So yea, I told my sister about that new west nile virus exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History and she really wants to go. I figured we could all go together.
Me: Sounds good. We should bring insect repellent though, just in case some of the mosquitoes are staking the joint, waiting to get us.
Him: True. I'll buy some OFF. Oh, speaking of getting off, how'd I do in bed?
Me: ???????????????????

That's exactly how it happened too. And I was at a total loss for words. A) I could barely remember, it was forever ago. 2) Who asks that? Thirdly, what was I supposed to say? It wasn't even in the context. I can sort of deal with the dumb question right after the actual act, maybe the next morning, but a couple months after? Get. A. Life.

So I said: You did well enough that I'd do it again.

Apparently, this comment was not to his liking at all. In fact he said it wasn't a glowing compliment but he'd take it, he guessed. Then he copped an attitude and said bye! Cue Beyonce's Ego like right now. What exactly was he expecting me to say? Sweet JEEESSUS, I have been thinking about how great you are in bed since that night and I have been waiting for you ask me that asinine question because I wrote a list with 122 items, in alphabetical order, and a Power Point presentation with 16 pages of bulleted reasons why you're the best I ever had!!??


I insist my answer wasn't a foible, but in the event it was, here are my top three picks for better responses to help prevent future dumb predicaments like this one:

1. You were amazing.
2. You were amazing.
3. You were amazing.

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins

1 comment:

  1. idk what's more hilarious: the fact that guys really react like this or your OFF story & this post LMAO!!