Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Sexytime Relationships

Chris Brown said it best: Three in the morning, you know I'm horny. So why don't you come over my place and put a smile on my face..." Oh, the late night booty call. Fun times, or disastrous if you don't know how to navigate this tricky relationship. I've talked about jump off relationships before, but I've done some more research since then and since it's an ongoing debate for many...Here's my little list of managerial duties for the sex only relationship:

1. NO SLEEPOVERS. Cuddling and spooning into the night are for boyfriends and girlfriends, not for jump offs. JOs do not serve that purpose and I promise you, if you are sleeping with someone and then SLEEPING with someone for months on end, someone will definitely catch feelings like pneumonia.

2. RULES. Make the rules and stick to them. If you two don't kiss because it's too intimate, don't kiss. Don't get all drunk and start slobbering each other down. Some people can kiss and keep it breezy, some cannot. Know which camp you're in, pitch a tent, and stay put.

3. MINIMAL TALKING. This sounds harsh, I know, and I don't mean you can't talk to each other at all, but keep the topics surface. I don't come over to hear about how you quit your job and you're stressed or how your father who bounced when you were little is back and driving you crazy and you don't know what to do. How about we talk about the last movie we saw or how great the weather's been instead. Getting to know each other too much starts to lead to wanting to know each other too much and confuses the issue.

4. CONTINUE TO DATE. Do not put all your relationship eggs in the JO's basket, s/he will drop them quicker than a third string wide receiver. If you keep your options open and date others, leaving just sex as your focus with the sex buddy, it'll make your life easier.

5. KNOW YOURSELF. I know I already said this, but I can't stress it enough: IF YOU START TO FEEL ANYTHING, THINK ABOUT THEM WHEN YOU'RE EATING FROZEN YOGURT ALSO KNOWN AS CATCHING FEELINGS, FLEE. Fast. I had to put that in caps. I've been here myself, not realizing that I was starting to like dude (usually after I broke aforementioned rules) and didn't realize until it was too late. It happens, easily if you're not careful. Additionally falling under this heading, know yourself enough to know if you are NOT a jump off type of person. If you aren't, nobody really cares, so go about your business and don't employ any heauxs. Don't force the issue, it'll only make you're life hell. Buy a vibrator or jack off, and keep it moving.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins


  1. I agree with everything. especially the cuddling, please don't stay. just leave! that's the easiest way to lead people or even catch feelings when you allow them to lie up in your bed

  2. I feel like these relationships can only last so long. I was abiding by these rules for few months with this one dude, but he (read: both of us) kept breaking them. And neither one of us has jumped ship, yet. *Opens yogurt* lol

  3. I broke it off and jumped ship, now i'm in the masturbation phase until something new comes along :)

  4. every single JO i've had has wanted me to stay the night or has stayed over. And they ALL cuddle. I don't get it. Esp the cuddling, yuck. I'm wired wrong, I hate cuddling. That's kinda why I love having a boyfriend, they already know, have been sleeping beside me for eons, so they don't even bother. lol maybe i need to go ahead and get a boyfriend again :-/