Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Home Team

Ok, first I have to apologize for the lack of posting again. A combination of writer's block and life have made me the worst blogger in America. There. We're done. Moving on to today's post...

It's fall, baby, and that means boo up season is beginning. Summer has been fun, but it's time to whittle down to the final few who will make the cut into fall and the one who will keep you warm through winter. Yep, It's dating season. Of course B is here to make sure all your I's are dotted and T's are crossed. I've learned every woman should employ a group of men when she's dating. This group of men is called The Team. No, B isn't suggesting you cheat on your man-this is for when you're uncommitted. No, B isn't suggesting you sleep with your entire team-that's some heaux sh!t, but don't worry, you'll be satisfied in every way as every guy on your team provides a service. While extreme descriptions, the list remains. Here's who you should pick when it's time for the draft.

The Romantic. This is the guy who wines and dines you. He's probably the first seed, top spot, dude you're rooting for the hardest. He's the captain of your team. He will probably end up being your boyfriend. The Romantic is the one you go out with the most, curl up and watch a movie with on occasion, and kiss in public. When people say, "Are you seeing anyone?" You say his name lightly, knowing it could very well be heavy if all cards are played correctly.
Pro: All the aforementioned. Most likely to succeed as winter item.
Con: Make this selection with care...he'll be around for a minute.

The Maintenance Man. Ok, we all know his job. He's the plumber. If you don't get that, we've got other problems to tend to.
Pro: He, um, maintains you.
Con: See Jump off posts. Careful with this one!

The Thug. So, maybe not everyone needs a Thug, but B does;) We can also call him the bad boy. Every thug needs a lady and every lady needs that bad boy in her life. You let him post up on your couch, blunt in hand, loud Rick Ross playing on the stereo, while you braid his hair or something. It isn't going anywhere permanent, but it sure is fun. Oh, sometimes the thug can double as the Maintenance Man...actually, he should. #biased
Pro: Muscles and tats are your friends.
Con: Bad boys are called that for a reason. Try not to get attached, they break hearts.

The Gay. The Gay is the only character on the team who isn't used for romantic purposes. He's the one you go shopping with, the one you gossip with, the one you brunch with. He's the one who fills the girlfriend position so your dudes don't have to find themselves sitting on a couch in Bloomingdale's watching you try on endless little black dresses which all. look. the. same.
Pro: B loves the gays!
Con: B loves the gays!

The Intellect/Renaissance/Earthy Man. This is the guy you go to museums, art exhibits, Talib Kwali concerts, poetry readings with. Maybe he has dreads too and wears those nerdy glasses. You talk endlessly in coffee shops about the poverty rate in America and how you too can be a Vegan in three easy steps. The next date will include handcuffing yourselves to a tree he used to climb when he was 9.
Pro: IRE man helps you stay cultured and opens your eyes to different parts of life.
Con: You'll miss animal products, trust me.

The Baller. Few have this guy, but he's great if you got him. He's the dude who flies you out to meet him wherever he is. The guy who showers you with gifts, drives a dope ride, and wear tailored suits ala the men in Takers. The baller can range from some finance type with a big bank account to the athlete who adds you to the payroll.
Pro: The inside of a Mercedes SL500 is pretty nifty and you'll feel crazy awesome stepping out with a fine dude to boot.
Con: When you go back to slummin it, you'll miss it badly.

What about guys? Who's on your team?

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins


  1. Damn my current boo is the romantic, maintenance man, thug, and the intellect. This is probably a bad thing. If he "conveniently" disappears after Thanksgiving (i.e gift giving season) I will have to start a team like this.

  2. I love this list! Maybe a sensitive one. But i guess u have to be careful BC he could be the gay :-/

  3. Not every man has a squad (Men call it a squad), but when you do decide to assemble the squad the starting five consist of:

    1. Shorty doo-wop.. Thats your ride or die chick. Shorty thats down to roll whenever, where ever. The one you roll to the strip clubs with and beat a bitch down if they come out their mouth.

    2. Old head.. Thats the WOMAN that takes care of you. Lays the money out on the bed before we go out to dinner and lace you down with Ralph Lauren Purple Label so she can show you off to all her friends and colleagues at the next banquet.

    3. Vacation Mami.. This is the girl that lives in Miami or LA, who holds you down when you on your leisure. Provides a pillow for your head, food in the frig, and a good rub down to relax. Remember, you're on vacation.

    4. Freak.. This is self-explanatory.

    5. Wifey.. The main chick. The one you dont mind canceling plans with everyone else for. The one you can almost see yourself waking up to everyday. The one that you can potentially quit everyone else for (besides the vacation mami). The one who has your heart.