The Complete 411

I'll admit it. There are times, I get really distracted at work by the Internet. It sucks me in with the various blogs I read, the wide open land of social media, not to mention online shopping, oh god, the online shopping. I close my work windows and open new ones only to look up an hour later without realizing how time has passed, or how much work I haven't done. It's amazing, I still have a job.

Well, a couple days ago, I was reading a blog that mentioned a few sex positions that I wasn't familiar with in name, so I hit google. And lovely google sent me to this little gem. This site is amazing, it's like paradise! The pictures are in 3D! And animated! And it isn't porn, it's like a how to guide. It's just so much information. Everything from positions to advice and a full encyclopedia on any and everything. I don't even know where to start! There's even a section called Butterfly-which just sounds nice doesn't it? I don't know who decided men think about sex more than women, because either there's something wrong with me, or something wrong with the statistic. I'm banking on the latter.

Always the student, ready to learn how to please myself and, um, him too, I guess, I scoured the site and came across this vast source of information. But I also came across some BS. Positions that are either impossible or so awkward, you'd rather just not attempt them at all. Here are the most noteworthy.

***Might wanna pull out the iPhone for this one...ie might not be a good site for work (unless you have your own office or just don't care).***

The Snakecharmer. This position is insane. With the man in a full headstand while the woman performs a hefty dose of fellatio, this position is only for the majorly advanced. Or a Yogi. If anyone has done this position without landing in the hospital, please email me immediately.

Throat Swab. I think everyone has done this position in varying ways, but this particular one made me laugh because it literally says under the picture: Since the performing partner needs air to stay alive, pause frequently to give them time for breath. You think? Don't let him get excited or you're dead.

Head Rush. This position made me stop and scrutinize like I was looking for signs of a nose job on a Kardashian. Who's holding most of the weight? It doesn't look like anyone, like she's just floating there, held up by pure ecstasy. I'm not buying how easy the little mannequins are twerking this one out. And the pressure! One wrong move and she could break her neck, not to mention his johnson is smushed up against her neck or back. If it's hard, that might hurt him a little.

YMCA. Break out yet another Shirshasana pose-a headstand-and spread that eagle. What if things feel really great and I slam my legs together in reflex. Talk about boxing your ears, homie. But the real burning question: how can the female maneuver her mouth or head when she's standing on it!?

Monkey Bar. At least you get a great workout, guys.

Standing Sixty-Nine. The description says this position shouldn't be attempted without a lot of strength and a lot of patience. I don't have time for this. Are you kidding? I would only try this if my man spent his other 22 hours of life in the gym doing constant repetitions of 3,000 pound bench presses.

I'm quite out there, but some of these were starting to get a bit overkill. Here are the ones I love and am glad to have the proper name for now. Watch out!

Butterfly

Bridge

Leg Glider-without looking like I'm doing side bends on an exercise DVD

Pirate's Bounty

Amazon Reverse

Lap Dance

Prison Guard

Mastery Kneeling

Slow Dance

And my all time favorite: The Jockey Inverted He can ride me like it's the Kentucky Derby and I'm happy as a horse!

Which of these have you tried? What did you think of the site? Am I crazy?

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins