The Good Time Girl

A guy friend of mine called me a good time girl a long time ago. At first, I was sort of pissed. I heard good time girl and immediately thought he meant the title on some ho sh*t and even though he tried diligently to dig his giant, size eleven foot out of his mouth, I couldn't get down with the terminology. Good time girl implies the chick who gets it it with whomever, whenever. Good time girl makes me think nothing positive, everything negative. Good time girl makes me think of Kat Stacks or Super Head. He swore he didn't mean it that way. I disagreed. I might've even stopped talking to him for about ten minutes, which is a long time in the grand scheme of me. Alas, I get over things quicker than some, so I forgave him, but made him buy my drinks for the rest of the night and promise to have my unborn/unwanted children.

But years later, I'm a little proud of being a good time girl. I no longer look at it with the negative connotation, obviously, otherwise this post would be about self-esteem or lacktherof. Look, I love beer and football, partying and cursing. I have a great time, so, fine, I'll beeee that. But make no mistake, I'm a girl. I shop, I giggle, I toss my hair, I love make up and manicures, and get my vadge waxed to high heaven. But I recently met a girl named Amanda who constantly made comments that put her in the same house as men. I'm sooo one of the guys. Seriously, I am totally a dude trapped in this cute body. Wait, what? So are you a transexual? I'm confused. Oh, no? You're just one of those girls that always feels the need to badly mask her horrible self-esteem by being identifying with men in an attempt to get all the guys to say something like, "Wow, this girl is soooo cool. I'm gonna put a giant piece of bling on it and make her the hottest chick in the game, wearing my chain." No.

Besides, it turned out Amanda was sleeping with a married man, which is so unlady-like. But back to the point.

See as cute as these girls think this idea is, they are horribly wrong. In fact, it's a plan that backfires so badly and in so many ways, I feel it's absolutely necessary to do a small bullet/organized list as to why. You're lucky I'm not computer savvy and can't insert a damn PowerPoint presentation into this blog.

I can drink any guy under the table.

Right, but why would you want to? For the most part, men are larger and stronger than women. Unless, of course, you're one of those gross T-Rex chicks pumping iron and sipping on a steroid smoothie at the gym. Otherwise, it's not rocket science that men can consume more liquor than women. So this is lose/lose for a girl because if you happen to be one of those girls that can drink a dude under the table, you need to hit up your nearest AA meeting at your closest YMCA. And if you aren't and wind up having to put your liquor where you big ass mouth is, you're gonna be the sloppy drunk girl at the bar and your plan will be ruined by barf in your hair and smeared mascara down your cheeks.

I know more about sports than any of you guys.

You don't. Just don't bother. I've been watching football since I could see straight and I still wouldn't ever utter those words. You just look silly. By natural selection, women would rather watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians than watch an endless loop of Sportscenter, which we all know men do on a complete and utter regular basis. I watch one, maybe two go rounds, tag that with a little 1st and 10 and PTI during football season, but never would I go out of my way to say I'm the second coming of Adam Schefter because I'm not. And I'm okay with that. My firm sense of self allows me that little nugget of gold. However, when girls try to stand up to a dude when it comes to sports knowledge, they usually end up looking dumb. Silly if they're lucky. Most guys somehow happen to know every minute detail from the NHL to whatever the damn bowling league is. They probably know who won the International Ping Pong tournament last year. Let it go. They can have that one.

I just connect so much better with guys. Girls are so lame.

Girls are silly, gossipy, demented, and sensitive, but we are a f*cking riot. To diss us and claim that you only get along with guys is just sad. I stand by the fact that every girl needs a group of close girlfriends the same way a dude needs a few homies. The other day, my friends and I were talking about some girl who we decided had zero social graces. Someone piped in and said, "That girl needed to pledge a sorority so someone could help her ass out." Yes. In other words, she needed some chicks in her life on the quick. See, when you don't have any girls to have your back, you're usually on your own 'cause the dudes don't have your back either. Although they may have your front...and you may not get that until later.

I have sex like a guy.

I think this speaks for itself. I sincerely hope you don't otherwise he's gonna be pretty pissed when he unwraps the package later on that night. But in the event that I'm speaking to Gary Coleman and this is completely over your head (might've been too soon), know this: I don't care how cute you might think it is to compare yourself sexually to a man, but it isn't. Keep that to yourself because there isn't a guy out there who's gonna say it's cool when he says his number is 172 and you try to high-five him and cheer, "Awesome! I'm just ahead of you at 174!" Ain't goin down, honey, sorry. It's a ridiculous stereotype which I hate too, but it's been there since everyone hated on Mary Magdalene for being a prostitute, so you might as well get used to it. Besides, if he wanted to have sex like a guy, he'd probably f*ck himself. Trust me, they're working on that one.

In summary, just be a girl. 'Cause some boys like girls and the rest like boys who act like girls anyway, so you might as well act like one too. Win, muthafriggin, win.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins