Work It Out

I kind of feel bad for guys today. I mean you have to put in an incredible amount of work during sex. Yes, I know, girls can't just lay there, either. I think my blog proves that I'm not exactly the lay there and file my nails kinda gal, but when you think about the actual mechanics of sex, it has more to do with the in and out, and that falls squarely on a man's shoulders 82% of the time. Add that to the fact that a man's ego relies on being a control freak and how utterly excited they get when in the act, and you see that a good or bad experience is more up to them than us. You hear way more girls saying, "Ugh, it lasted 32 seconds and he couldn't even keep his rhythm" far more than you hear a guy say, "Man, she just couldn't ride it right." Most times if they don't ride right, chicks just get tossed on their backs and rabbit pumped until dude has finished. While women will take the L and say oh well, men, for the most part, will not get climb off until they bust some sort of nut...unless it's really really horrible. If he ever just roles over and calls it a night, Lucy, you got some 'splainin (and learning) to do.

It really isn't fair, I know, I know, but considering the number of times women get f*cked in the game of life or have our battleships sank, I'm going to go ahead and say you can work that ass out for a couple hours twenty minutes and sweat profusely and look like it really is a bit hard to get that leg over there and still keep your rhythm while asking how it feels. And still have to be the one to get up and get us some water. Yep, you can have that. I don't feel so badly anymore.

But when you think about the likes that men will go to just to get some ass in the first place, it sort of makes it all worth while right? The lies they tell, the false compliments they give, the "I'll call you tomorrow's" that usually turn into you saying "Hmm, I haven't heard from D'Quan in a year," and the all around crap we get served on a gold magnum wrapped platter. I thought of this the last time I had sex, it was a split second, a random thought-and if you're(he's) reading this post it was literally .0839 of a second, the sex was good, I wasn't distracted, boo, calm down. He was putting in work, in some position that he recalled I liked (me on the bed, him off, legs on his shoulders) when we both realized that he was at an angle where one of two things had to happen: either he had to get on the bed because all his movement was pushing me away from him* or he was going to have to yank me off the bed completely and do one of those standing up positions that look/feel amazing, but are just too much work on a random Tuesday. In that .0839 of a second, where I watched him yank me closer, then hoist himself up on the bed to get a better, um, grip, I thought, he's really working hard for the money. Odd thought, yes, but in the next few seconds we swapped positions altogether, me on top-figured I'd give him a break. But somewhere in the midst of that one (my legs locked around him, both sitting upward), he grabbed me and propelled us halfway off the bed, in mid air, and took the brunt of the work again. I told him he was funny, that he didn't have to go through all these tricks (it wasn't our first time and we've talked off and on for years-all to say we were comfortable with each other), but he kept insisting he wanted to please me.**

So, I've concluded that men feel an insanely large amount of pressure to perform and I don't begrudge them gunning for Best Sex in a Bedroom, after all, I get the real prize in the end.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins

*Isn't it funny how sex always winds up being a perpendicular act-well at least the good kind. You never end up doing the do in the natural direction of the bed, you always end up across it or upside down. Mostly across, which is why girls are forever hanging off the bed. And since most beds haven't been up against a wall since they were covered in twin Star Wars sheets, they are usually out into the room, meaning there's nothing to grab on to if you're side saddling the mattress with your back. We should all invest in either a daybed so there are handle bars on at least three of the four sides of the bed or a hospital bed that has those retractable bars that come up and down on the side. Or cribs. We could all buy huge adult cribs and get it in like proverbial spazoid bunnies.

**I won't let you think I just let him do all the work the whole time. He had a very lovely time himself once he took care of me a couple times.