Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Ex Zone

When love fades to black or boredom sets in, break ups happen.  There's a reason their called break ups: because our hearts literally break and when hearts break, you cannot be held accountable for the dumb shit you do.  You are now entering into The Ex Zone. (cue Twilight Zone music)


Steve was in love with Tara.  He couldn't get enough of her during their two year union, but when the heavens heaved and Tara saw the light, thus breaking up with Steve, hell broke loose. Steve, in an attempt to demand Tara's attention, decided it was a good idea to ram his car into hers as she decided to leave his apartment. He wasn't thinking because Steve had caught a major case and was reeling with fury. Some time later, Steve, now in a 'serious' relationship elsewhere, decided that he needed to give Tara one last chance to have him back. He came up with yet another brilliant plan: breaking into her email account and writing letters to Tara's new boyfriend, stating that she had herpes.  This was not true.  Steve was now a liar on top of everything else.

To this day, Steve is not sure what he was thinking.  Perhaps he hoped she'd see his positive traits as she sat on the plastic covered, circa 1972 sofa in the mechanic's office, perusing a sky-high estimate to have her car fixed.

Steve was crazy in love.  Or maybe just crazy.


Derrick had always been friends with Maria and therefore smitten. He waited for his chance to woo her and when she was recovering from a break up, he swooped in. Confused, Maria entered into a relationship with Derrick, unaware of his insanity. Months passed and one day, Maria, too, saw the light and dumped Derrick.  Derrick bombarded Maria with nasty letters, mean text messages, and email about puppies being suffocated in her honor (not really on the last one, but it seemed to fit). When Derrick realized he wasn't getting anywhere, he backed off...well, actually he had no choice, for Maria found out that he'd been cheating all along.  She found out by way of the STD Derrick gave her as a parting gift.

Derrick was crazy in love.  No maybe needed.  He was just crazy.


Russell met Tiffany at a mixer senior year in college.  She was a junior and therefore looking for Mr. Marry After College.  They hit it off and Russell fell for Tiffany.  After Tiffany graduated, they moved to New York City together with the intent of taking on the world from their corner of the map.  Instead, Russell went bonkers.  

After their very messy break up, Russell came up with a Steve-worthy brilliant plan.  He broke into their once shared apartment and bleached all her clothing in the bathtub where they'd once made passionate love. He then hid under the pillow topped mattressed bed and awaited her arrival.  When she showed up, she was with a young suitor.  Russell lost his mind and attacked.

Russell was clinically crazy.


Crazy is not reserved for men only. In fact, women might've invented the word crazy. Shawna was not in love with David. Shawna was obsessed with David.  Their tumultuous affair ended and Shawna deduced that sawing off the legs to his dining room table would yank him run back into her arms.  It did not. He fell in love with a woman who didn't own a chain saw instead.

Shawna was the craziest of them all.  Especially when it came to household furniture.

Moral of the story:

Don't date guys named Steve, Derrick, or Russell.  And if you happen to meet a girl named Shawna, I hope you didn't spend much on your dining room set.  

That bitch stole my line


Blackie Collins


  1. lol @ the moral of the story...go ahead and add Edward to that, because I didn't even date dude, after knowing him for only 30 days he became a crazy stalker and was upset because he saw me talking to another dude.

  2. Wow! I guess you have to be careful regarding the people you date in this day and age.

  3. Being someone who has had not one, but 2 doors kicked in, front & bedroom,
    I understand the nature of breakup crazy reeeeaaaallly well.
    As always, a well written piece. I'm campaigning to be the president of your fan club.