Monday, May 10, 2010

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Yesterday was Mother's Day and no I'm not about to write a post about mothers on a blog that is so far from moms, it'd be morally gross to include them in any of my stories about dating, relationships or *cringe* sex. I was going through my phone, lord knows what I was specifically looking at as my Blackberry seems to just suck me in to a vast world of nothingness, but somehow I wound up on Blackberry Messenger (BBM). Blackberry Messenger is an interesting little program. The long (and short) of it is that it's an instant messenger for Blackberry users only. You can conference or have individual conversations and you can change your status (updates) to whatever your heart desires...well anything under 50 characters that your heart desires. I was chatting with a friend when I saw the little red icon pop up next to the recent updates. I'm very OCD about my Blackberry. There can be no unchecked icons staring back at me, no voicemail sign, no email, no texts, no blinking red light. It drives me nuts. Shouts, "B!" Anyway, I checked the recent updates and saw that many of my contacts had their usual statuses and the remaining seemed to have ones pertaining to their mothers. Then I saw the one that sent off a red flag.

My ex boyfriend and I are still BBM "friends." I'm not entirely sure as to why. One day I ran into him and saw that he had a Blackberry Touch. This was of note because he'd stuck with the old school Blackberry for years. It was really annoying. He swore by it, said it made him loyal. Whatever. Anyway, I made a joke about the old Blackberry, likened it to the gigantic first cellular phone ever invented. The one that came in a leather case and plugged into your car. I asked if he was finally enjoying the necessities, like BBM. Well that opened that can of worms and we exchanged pins. Every once in a while I get a happy birthday or a how's it going, but we don't really talk on there...or anywhere. My goodness, me and the damn tangents. So anyway, his status update read: Mom said go and get her, but what if she doesn't want to be had. I read it and my stomach sort of lurched. Sort of did that thing it does when you feel like another stress weed just bloomed from the exact spot you just yanked one. I just know it's about me. The last few statuses of his have been code to everyone else but might as well have my name in them as far as I'm concerned. One read something like: Love changes and best friends become strangers. Another read: Missing that which always made me smile. I won't lead you into the Hallmark hall of fame he's working with over there, but you see what I'm up against? Even worse, I had a dream about him the other night. I have no idea what happened in this dream, but I woke up and knew I'd dreamt about him. Now before you get all Sleepless in Seattle on me and insist that I run and meet him at the top of the Empire State Building before I miss my shot at love, know this: it is over. Completely. I've seen him on several occasions since our union of a zillion years ended and I looked at him with a sort of shock. The way you look at someone you've seen for years and are suddenly seeing them for the first time. I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking I could spend my life with him. Well that's not all the way fair. There was a time that I thought he was it, but while I'd love to say there was never ever a shred of doubt hiding somewhere, that'd be a lie and I'm not into lies or exaggerations on my blog...or in life for that matter.

Let me get more to the point here. I'm worried about what's coming. I know him. He's tried to get me back before. He's the kind who would show up at my door step, jump hoops, swallow a sword, anything to get me back. I'm his catch of the day, the love of his life (as he's said so many times) or so he thinks. Honestly, I don't think a day goes by that he doesn't remember the one that got away. But, he's right about one thing, I don't want to be had, not by him anyway. I know what you'll all say. I know the obvious answer: just tell him no and keep it moving. But do you know how hard it is to tell someone no repeatedly? Someone whom you used to put before yourself? Someone you loved? It's crushing. It feels like you're breaking their heart over and over and over again. In a word? It sucks.

Then again, maybe the status isn't about me at all and I'm just an arrogant prick.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins

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