Thursday, June 10, 2010

Tell Me Something Good

In all my experiences with men, platonic and otherwise, it seems the biggest insecurity comes in the form of their magic stick. The number of guys that brag about their manhood, the way they work it, and how they make girls scream for their lives is far and frequent, always sitting at the surface of their conversation. I'd love to say that they have nothing else to talk about, but that isn't true either. It's just that so much of what makes them tick hangs right between their legs.

On the receiving end are women. Women who know the more puffed with pride his ego is, the better we're gonna get it. Because of this, women know exactly what to say to cater to his balled ego. We know just the right words to use because just lying there afterwards (or during) doesn't cut it. Men need to be stroked just as much as we do, so when me and my friends tried to come up with our most memorable male comments, we opened the wine, kicked off our shoes and reminisced over some of our favs.

Aww, get it. Maria was dating a younger-than-her recent transplant to the city. He was working in finance, of course, until he realized what a blood sucking life it was and cut out to go to business school. But little youngin' was dope in the sack and every time he thought he was performing well, he'd have just one question for Maria: "Am I gettin' it? Am. I. Gettin. It?" Maria was thrown off the first time, almost giggled, but when he went for it the next time they were in bed, she all but shouted, "Aww, get it! Aww, get it!" And boy, oh boy, that must've been exactly what that little boy needed to hear because he kicked it into high gear and made it into Maria's top 3, a coveted spot.

All the way to the top. A few years ago, I was dealing with this guy, Kerry. Kerry was such a thug, loved it. But Kerry was incredibly aggressive with his imperative statements in bed. I never got a break, was always getting direction, being told what to do and never getting so much of an ecstasy filled thank you. So why on earth should I give him one? One late night rendezvous, found me bouncing around the bed with him, while he loudly instructed me to go, "all the way to the top, now! All the way to the top!" I have no clue why men feel the need to repeat themselves, emphatically, especially when they're shouting, but I decided I wasn't doing what I was told for once. Instead, I plopped down on him and said, "yo, this is cool, but you yell at me one more f*cking time and it's going down." Apparently, Kerri loved being told off himself and he did one of the few flip moves I've seen in my hay day and set. it. off. (Jada Pinkett)

You did that boy. My friend Mai, has been with her boyfriend for years, they're obviously in a very comfortable place and during their love-making, there are few things they don't do, won't try. They both have pretty insane personalities, which makes for even more fun in the bedroom. One night, when they had just finished, were in the afterglows, Mai came out with, "You did that boy!" Her boyfriend turned, looked at her with a dubious expression and just shook his head at her antics. Then they went for round two.

Tell me you love me. I was dating a rather sensitive guy and one night, while we were drunkenly fornicating, he said, "Tell me you love me." But I didn't. And knowing this was such a buzzkill. There was no way he loved me either, though, no way, no matter how sensitive or artsy-fartsy he was. It just wasn't possible to love me after a mere month of dating. But here I was, being held in a vice grip and being asked again to profess my love for him. Instead I shhhed him and did something incredibly distracting to take his attention away from his love of me an instead placed it on his love of my nether regions. Everyone knows actions speak louder than words.

I know there's more, we had plenty. What are your favorites? An easy high five after a job well done? Lots of four letter words? Interesting sounds? Y'all know sex is my favorite topic. Gimme the highlights reel.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins


  1. this is kinda funny, not necessarily words, but I slept with a guy who used to make the funniest whooping cough sound when he, um, got excited. It was so weird. he'd literally be weezing in my face, and he wasn't a big guy or anything so I just wondered why his cardiovascular level wasn't higher. it was sooo distracting.

  2. I am not really into the convo while rollin around in the sack but one guy when he would climax would make this whining noise, the most I could do is to just rub him on the back to let him know it was all good, I personally thought it was funny that he had such an obvious tell, most guys try to mask when they are cumming.

  3. My most embarrassing (I know that's not the topic) sexual experience was when I said 'Thank You' after sex. During our re-enactment of Trey Songz 'Invented Sex' video and numerous 'Yes daddy!' and yelling his name at the top of my lungs I was left to recover and thats when it slipped out.

    "Thank You"

    I didn't even realize til he looked at me in amazement and said what did you just say. There was no way out of it so I happily stroked his ego. He has never let me live it down til this day.

  4. girrrrlll, the thank you!! I thanked a guy after grrreeaat head once. He laughed his ass off and asked if I was serious. said he felt like a prostitute., ok. fine. whatever.

    but scorpion...daddy? you yelled daddy? that's worse than thank you!

  5. Guys love it when you tell them you miss them during sex...even if the last time was only a few days ago lol