Tell Me Something Good

In all my experiences with men, platonic and otherwise, it seems the biggest insecurity comes in the form of their magic stick. The number of guys that brag about their manhood, the way they work it, and how they make girls scream for their lives is far and frequent, always sitting at the surface of their conversation. I'd love to say that they have nothing else to talk about, but that isn't true either. It's just that so much of what makes them tick hangs right between their legs.

On the receiving end are women. Women who know the more puffed with pride his ego is, the better we're gonna get it. Because of this, women know exactly what to say to cater to his balled ego. We know just the right words to use because just lying there afterwards (or during) doesn't cut it. Men need to be stroked just as much as we do, so when me and my friends tried to come up with our most memorable male comments, we opened the wine, kicked off our shoes and reminisced over some of our favs.

Aww, get it. Maria was dating a younger-than-her recent transplant to the city. He was working in finance, of course, until he realized what a blood sucking life it was and cut out to go to business school. But little youngin' was dope in the sack and every time he thought he was performing well, he'd have just one question for Maria: "Am I gettin' it? Am. I. Gettin. It?" Maria was thrown off the first time, almost giggled, but when he went for it the next time they were in bed, she all but shouted, "Aww, get it! Aww, get it!" And boy, oh boy, that must've been exactly what that little boy needed to hear because he kicked it into high gear and made it into Maria's top 3, a coveted spot.

All the way to the top. A few years ago, I was dealing with this guy, Kerry. Kerry was such a thug, loved it. But Kerry was incredibly aggressive with his imperative statements in bed. I never got a break, was always getting direction, being told what to do and never getting so much of an ecstasy filled thank you. So why on earth should I give him one? One late night rendezvous, found me bouncing around the bed with him, while he loudly instructed me to go, "all the way to the top, now! All the way to the top!" I have no clue why men feel the need to repeat themselves, emphatically, especially when they're shouting, but I decided I wasn't doing what I was told for once. Instead, I plopped down on him and said, "yo, this is cool, but you yell at me one more f*cking time and it's going down." Apparently, Kerri loved being told off himself and he did one of the few flip moves I've seen in my hay day and set. it. off. (Jada Pinkett)

You did that boy. My friend Mai, has been with her boyfriend for years, they're obviously in a very comfortable place and during their love-making, there are few things they don't do, won't try. They both have pretty insane personalities, which makes for even more fun in the bedroom. One night, when they had just finished, were in the afterglows, Mai came out with, "You did that boy!" Her boyfriend turned, looked at her with a dubious expression and just shook his head at her antics. Then they went for round two.

Tell me you love me. I was dating a rather sensitive guy and one night, while we were drunkenly fornicating, he said, "Tell me you love me." But I didn't. And knowing this was such a buzzkill. There was no way he loved me either, though, no way, no matter how sensitive or artsy-fartsy he was. It just wasn't possible to love me after a mere month of dating. But here I was, being held in a vice grip and being asked again to profess my love for him. Instead I shhhed him and did something incredibly distracting to take his attention away from his love of me an instead placed it on his love of my nether regions. Everyone knows actions speak louder than words.

I know there's more, we had plenty. What are your favorites? An easy high five after a job well done? Lots of four letter words? Interesting sounds? Y'all know sex is my favorite topic. Gimme the highlights reel.

That bitch stole my line,

xoxo

Blackie Collins