Friday, September 3, 2010

If I Were a Boy...

I really, really wish I were a guy. Then my behavior would be acceptable. I'm serious, this is getting on my nerves, all these double damn standards. Some dude can have 4 kids by 4 different girls, one of which is his third cousin, have no job, but somehow have a wad of cash in his mattress, and live with his mama, but let him have a cute face, a dimple (just one, he doesn't even need two), a couple tats, and a relatively nice body and all hail the king! Girls still chase him. He can still call some unassuming girl at 2am and she'll pick up, all giggly girly, ready for his command.

This is so lame. I mean it. They get away with highway robbery and nobody seems to care. They always come out on top. They can stay bachelors forever and never have children (that they know of) and no one bats an eye. "Oh, that Robert. He's just so handsome. The girls love him. He's just picky. Oh well." What?! Let a woman be 45 with no husband or kids and she MUST be reading to hang herself from the baby mobile that's been hanging in the hidden nursery since her child bearing years. Obviously.

I know you're with me, but you're wondering why. Where is this rant coming from. Glad you asked, kids. In the last twenty four hours, I've been ready to get a sex change yet again. Here's just a few reasons why:

The douchebag on the corner. There are many bags of Massengill sitting on the corner. They're young and old, ugly and not so ugly and all seem to think it's cool calling out obscene comments when you walk by. This morning, I walked by two guys having a deep discussion about the arse on a girl several feet in front of me. It was pretty regular as far as asses go. One claimed it looked like it was once something great back in the day. The other agreed and added that she probably "don't do much for it and it just went away. You gotta take care of it ya know?" Both of these fools looked like they'd gotten stuck in a trash compactor, yet they had the arrogance and audacity to sit there and pass their important judgement on this chicks ass. Well I'll be; who knew all I had to do was have a beer belly, a dirty t-shirt, and a penis to be the end all be all. And I'm about thirty-two seconds away from punching my super in the throat. His "hello, young lady, how are you's" turned into "hey beautiful, you can't call me cause you don't have my phone number." Yeah, that must be the reason. The other day, I was on my phone and he actually jumped in front of me on the sidewalk, flailing his arms, trying to get my attention. I told my sister to hold on and snatched my earpiece out my ear and through clenched teeth gave him the business like my mom used to when I interrupted her on the phone. "Don't you see I'm on the phone? What is your problem?"

They get around. Only girls have to worry about their "numbers," which seems pointless since men either don't ask or ask, but assume the number that comes out our mouths will be a big, fat, round lie. I have a guy friend who's had sex with 106 girls. ONE HUNDRED AND SIX and no body cares. Last night I told him I'd be good and happy if both Idris Elba and Chris Brown were in my bed when I got home and his response was: "Whoa, you're a freak." WHAT? No, I'd be a freak if I actually thought for two seconds this could feasibly happen and then decided to take them both on at the same time. And how many threesomes have you had? How many one night stands have you encountered? How am I chastised for merely mentioning something, yet you are the virgin mary incarnate. Get outta here. I'm sick of liking sex and getting f*cked in the ass (not really, sheesh) for it. Not. Fair.

Sleezy by association. Finally, around 3am, I got a text from this guy I've known forever. He's cute, he's exactly my type, except for one small issue: he's engaged. Not cool and inviting ala engaging, but walking down the aisle and getting married engaged. In fact, he's getting married in t-minus a few months. I don't care what kind of world he has created where this is acceptable, but I find it wildly hilarious. Like for real? This isn't the first time either. It's safe to say he's been barking up my tree for quite some time. Here's the kicker. I made mention of it to a friend who knows us both, told her in a "what a sleezebucket he is" type of way and do you know who she got upset with? ME! I got reamed out for not telling him where to put his 3am phone calls and texts. We went from laughing at him to blaming me! Somehow I was treading on shaky ground, I was the problem, I was wrong. WTH? I didn't answer, I didn't invite him over and hop on his d*ck sixteen times, slap his chick in the face next time I saw her and said, "how does it taste when you kiss him?" No. None of that has or will happen, yet somehow I'm wrong. He cheats on his fiance! Doesn't that trump any and all? Stupid.

I'm in a pissy mood. I shouldn't be writing today. But you feel me? I know you feel me. We're always in sync. Justin Timberlake.

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins


  1. sighs..... Once again B, get out of my head. I swear I'm writing these posts through a personality and not even knowing it. But anyway, once again I. FEEL. YOU. My best male friend has slept w/ over 100 girls (he stopped counting once he hit the 100th beat) and even once told me that a major goal for him was to sleep with at least one girl from every state. O_o. Right. And on top of that, he's been in serious relationships and he's "allegedly" in love and ready to marry his gf. Even though he sent me a bbm last week stating he had a dream of us doing the do and wondered if we could get drunk to try it so it wouldn't be considered cheating since we were drunk. Right. But here's the kicker, whenever I talk to him abt a guy I'm seeing or doing, he's like, you should def wait 3 months or you won't get wifed up. It's all about respect, blah blah blah. And as I sit there and give him the dummy side eye face, I'm the crazy one for thinking this is all absurd.

    I'd love to just live in his world (or any guy's world) for one day. Because clearly everthing is all gum drops and now and laters fir them. SMH....

  2. 106 huh? Gives a new meaning to 106th and park. But if you figure you've been having sex since say 15 and you're now say 28 that's 13 years or however many months 13 x 12 is. So if you get even like one new one every two months its not out of the realm of possibilities. Good for him, he must be a good man.

  3. Lift wine glass..cling... and says "Here's to you sis for venting yet speaking truth"!!

    - A.D.

  4. co-sign...i have ALWAYS felt like: what's good for the goose...but, yeah.
    The thing i really do NOT understand is, when a woman like myself can 'have relations' and not get emotional...why do then the guys act like a woman..."you ain't called me?" was i supposed to? we did it. it was ____________fill in the blank. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXT!
    what's the problem?

  5. there's no way we all feel like this!! I say women take over, switch the game, new position, new position. If we work together, we can change the status quo. roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    @S Emm your guy bff will absolutely sleep w/ you...he's just setting the trap now. and as for the 3 month wait. i have very specific feelings about all that waiting business. do it when you're good and gotdang ready.

    @BEZ420 he must be.....o_O work on your math

    @AD clincking right back girly

    @anonymous girl we aren't ALLOWED to have unemotional relations. we are known for screaming and crying and begging them to do whatever. no. no more. done. i'ma just be me. that's what i've been doing anyway.

    i live for no one but me!

  6. Eff that waiting nonsense. My last boyfriend got it in a week and we were together for 3 yrs and the only reason we broke up is b/c we couldn't compromise on our living situation. He moved to Cali and I stayed here. But we're still cool. My thing is, a dude already has his opinion of you and his goal for you by the first day of mtg you. If all he wanted to do was bone, it doesn't matter whether u waited a day or 6 mths. He'll still bone u and be out (one of the benefits of having a male BFF, u get to witness the tomfoolery). If u have a connection w/ someone, u just have it. And eff that, I have no patience for emotions. Like you said, I live for no one but me!