I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa (THE DICK ISSUE)
Meeting the parents is always a bit nerve-wracking. You want to make a good and lasting impression while also receiving the stamp of approval.
But what do you do when there's more approval than necessary?
I was chillin at my boyfriends house, circa summer after freshman year in college. It's hot out. I'm in cut offs and he's attempting to teach me how to play basketball. I'm a football girl. Put a basketball in my hands and it's over. His dad pulls up in the driveway, turns off the car and comes over to say hi.
I think I catch him ogling my legs. That had to be a mistake, right? Maybe the sun was in my eyes.
"How is everything guys?" I'm telling you this man is looking where he shouldn't be. We chorus, "Fine," and he heads in the house.
A few minutes later, nature calls and I run inside to use the restroom. BF's dad is watching tv in the family room. On my way through, he says, "I'm not gonna lie. You look like you're doing really well."
I mean, maybe I misunderstood. The tv is loud...or something. I go to the bathroom, give myself a good talkin' to, and head back outside.
There is no mistaking this time. He is full out salivating.
"Those shorts are a bit short don't you think?" He punctuates with a chuckle.
I'm going home.
Pops is off his rocker.
D. I. C. K: Dads I Could Kill.
They ogle you, smile a little too much, and perhaps even make a few comments. Oh and don't let them get a few drinks in their bloodstreams! They suddenly become that gross uncle at Cousin Pam's wedding that keeps telling you how you how much you've, ahem, "grown."
I know they are men and the whole "I'm not blind" analogy, but there's a friggin line, dude, and you have high jumped that sucker. You're my man's father! Therefore you're most likely old enough to be my father.* So you're not only out of pocket, but you're a perv as well. I mean, how do you tell your boyfriend that his dad is a pig?** That's a break up waiting to happen. But can you really go forward with someone whose dad wishes he could corner you while Jr's out grabbing some milk?
I've always wondered why I've never liked calling my man 'daddy'...perhaps this is why.
*I have no qualms with older men. In fact, I think time is a man's best friend, but not when the clock belongs to my beau's father. Sorry Papi.
Blackie Collins is a Manhattan turned LA girl with a big heart and a closet full of girly things like skirts and heels. She loves laying on the beach, dogs with people names like Linda, hoop earrings, and sky-high platform heels. When she isn't writing, she can be found scouring blogs, brunching with friends, or enjoying happy hour at any hour of the day. Her true passion is boys. It is perhaps the reason she can't get anything done. She lives in a great, rent controlled apartment with a great, uncontrolled dog. She has quite a few parking tickets, and dreams of the day DVF or YSL decide to slum it with a line in Target. Get it in with her at http://thatbitchstolemyline.com, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org, or follow her on Twitter @blackiecollins.