Sunday, July 12, 2009

a SLAP-happy time

I believe in sex and all things related. And many of you will concur (otherwise, you wouldn't even read my blog). Now, I've told the story I'm going to share with you several times and all the reactions have been the same: horrified, yet hilarious. I have been dating quite a bit lately (just generally having fun, enjoying myself and all that jazz) and one of my suitors is well, how can I put this? A bit obsessed with porn. I have no idea if he watches it, I assume he does based on some of the comments that have been made and largely on this piece of evidence I'm going to present. If we were in a court of law, I promise you'd slap on the cuffs and take his ass off to jail, which is precisely what I did more or less (he's definitely been kicked off the roster).

To protect the accused, we shall call him Ralph (since that's what I want to do now when I think of him). Ralph and I met at a party a month ago- I was actually enjoying a conversation with his friend, but Ralph jumped in and made it known that I was making a mistake and should in fact get to know him better instead. I like ego and aggression, so I followed his advice. We exchanged information and he called the very next day (I have that effect). We hung out a couple times and while I was into him, I wasn't into him. We all have that one guy that's just kind of taking up space and entertaining you when no one else is available-Ralph was that for me. I know, not nice. I don't care. Ralph definitely made it known that he really liked me and while my jury was still out, I enjoyed myself while they were debating. Ralph seemed like the dangerous type, but more and more, he started coming up straight-laced. He let me know that he didn't like when women cursed, that he believe in male and female roles, and went to bed no later than 10pm on work nights. He started to get boring in my eyes, but then Ralph did something that made him anything but boring, yet was also apart of his demise. We had gone out and I could tell that Ralph thought sex was in the cards for him that evening (I hadn't slept with him yet). I was still undecided on whether or not I wanted to add him to my list, so he came home with me (not unusual) and we started going at it on the couch (also not unusual). Now, I enjoy fellatio like the next, but somewhere between sucking and blowing, Ralph got the idea that giving me a nice wack in the face with his penis would be appropriate, while telling me to (and I quote), "Suck that dick, suck it." I will give you a moment to process (and scream)._________________________________________

I've seen this done in pornographic videos, but never in all my glory, has a man had the audacity to actually do that-especially some guy that I've been dating for under a month. I've done some crazy stuff, but mostly with my boyfriend at the time (and even he might get it for slapping me with his member). Needless to say, the mood was killed. I asked if he was joking and basically let him know where the door was. Do not ask me why I entertained this fool after that night, but I did. And he showed me exactly why I should've cut him before. A week or so later, we were on the phone discussing loving what you do for a living. I informed him that I love my job, he felt opposite. I told him he should change occupations. He said, "Well, I love football, but it's too late for that. And I love porn, but I don't think my dick is big enough." (Yes, yes, I know, why was I even remotely involved with someone who'd even say a sentence like that? In my defense, please remember that Ralph was Mr. Straight-laced up until the major left turn in his personality. I still kind of thought I was being punk'd or something.) I tried to recall his size and unconvincingly let him know that he'd probably be fine-not because he was too small or too big, but because I simply didn't care. I was already planning my exit strategy. I almost felt bad, but then came the proverbial final nail in his coffin.
Ralph: "I've been thinking. You love writing, I love porn. Why don't we make a movie? You can write the script."
Me: blank stare at the phone as I wonder if he really just asked me what I think he just asked me.
Ralph: seems to be waiting for a response.
Me: "Are you serious? I'm sorry, but the last time I did that was with my ex boyfriend and I was with him for 5 years. What does that tell you?"
Ralph: "Sounds like it's time for another one."
Me: Click.
I received a text message from Ralph, asking if I was okay, we must've gotten disconnected. I told him we were disconnected because I hung up and that I was offended by his request, that I hadn't even slept with him, that I'd known him less than a month, had he lost his mind? He informed me that he was kidding, it was joke, could I relax? Oh, Ralph, yes, I can absolutely relax...and I have every intention of doing so. I'll send you a picture of me doing just that, because you won't be seeing me again.

Ladies, beware. Sometimes it's a dick-slappin,' porn-makin' wolf in sheep's clothing.

That bitch stole my line,

.xoxo Blackie Collins

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