Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dating vs. Just F*cking

My phone rang the other day and it was one of my close friends, Fi, asking if I wanted to hit Whole Foods on the way home from our respective jobs. I consented and met her in Union Square after work. Fi dove right in, telling me she had something amazing to tell me and right between the avocados and the plums, she blurts out that there's a new dude in her life. They are "just fucking," though. Or so she says at first. Then the details come out. They've already seen each other three times in the past 5 days, they are cuddling far more than altogether necessary, and chatting throughout the day. I'm processing her new information, picking out sushi when I hear her giggling behind me. I turn around and she's answering what I assume is a text from the new mystery man. I put my hand over the phone's screen and ask her what she's doing. She says, "answering his text." She goes on to say what he said in the text message and it doesn't sound like the makings of a jump off relationship, it sounds like they're getting a little close to kickin' it, which is way closer to dating than "just fucking." I tell her this and she adamantly swears it's just a sex thing. I say fine and we move on to the frozen section where she tells me about some exhibit at the Met she wants to see. Then she says he wants to see it too, that they're going to see it together. I stare at her long enough that she asks me what my problem is? My problem? My problem is you can lie to yourself all you want, but don't lie to me. There is a big difference between "just fucking" and dating. When someone says they are "just fucking" someone, that usually means they are JUST FUCKING that person. When you add hanging out, ie DATES, to fucking, well, it becomes dating, so stop saying it's just sex when it, so clearly, is not. And that's ok, I have no issue with either, just be real about what it is. Fi argued that she didn't think they were on dating status, that he'd never be her boyfriend. I never said he had to be-there are levels of dating. Dating doesn't just mean one thing-it's all encompassing, includes the beginning to the serious, right up until titles are handed out. It can be casual, it can be exclusive. But it contains hanging out and usual some sort of physical activity combined, so sorry, Fi, you are 99.9% NOT just fucking.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins


  1. Gotta disagree here. It sounds like she is just Fucking a guy who likes to pretend to date women. I've dealt with a few of these and our situations were identical to hers, yet we were just Fucking. Excuse the captial F, my phone does that on its own.

  2. Naw I cosign this post. It would be different if it was just him showing the signs of dating. Firstly, most times when you're just f*cking, you don't make it a point to have to tell your girl something "amazing." Secondly, you're usually not giggling and shat when he texts like you would someone you're dating, and you wouldn't be actively making dates with him. When you are just f*cking, you are doing just that, f*cking. In her mind, she's telling herself that's what she's doing while she's actually doing a little bit more. And I'm not saying that you can't/shouldn't/won't be fond of the person you're just f*cking, but you generally keep that person in the f*cking zone and don't treat it as anything more than that. And homegirl is clearly treating it as more than just f*cking.