Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Cardinal Rules: The Degrees of Separation

There's always the question of who is off limits when it comes to dating and relationships. New York City is a small island, it's only three miles across, so you can only imagine how many lines have crossed. The phrase "small world" ain't got nothing on Manhattan. Everyone seems to know each other, six degrees of separation is more like two degrees here, so the possibility of meeting someone brand new that no one knows at all is damn near unheard of. I was once looking at some pictures of a guy I was dating from a party he'd gone to and a guy I had dated just prior to him was posted up in them. I cracked up. How did they end up not only at the same party, but posing in the same picture?! It was just so random.

That said, sometimes it just happens by accident. Someone you know starts seeing someone you once dated. They met through mutual friends, they met at a party, or event, they bumped into each other on the street and it was lust at first sight. Yes, this happens. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when someone you've dated or were in a relationship with, outwardly pursues one of your friends. A friend he or she knows is your friend. A friend he or she may have met through you in the first place.

That is not NYC's lines crossing, that's some bullshit.

So let's start with what constitutes who is off limits exactly. Obviously, when his best friend runs into you months later at a party and tries to buy you a drink, that's a no-no. But some guy approaches you and you think you might know him, but you're not sure and after conversation, it turns out he works with your ex and you've heard his name a few times? Well, maybe you could go there, but with extreme caution. Depending on your relationship with your recent ex-beau, maybe you can ask if that would bother him. But if he's coming after your friends, girls he knows you chat on the phone and hang out with, he's very very wrong. There are some men that are just stupid enough to think girls don't talk at all. Granted, men gossip like Serena, Blair and the gang, but make no mistake: when you tried to slip it to her friend? Oh yeah, friend definitely told. And you're definitely an asshole for that.

When I was in college, I dated a guy whom I met once in passing when I was out with a girl who was a good friend of mine at the time. We later fell out, but more importantly, I started dating him. The important piece of information was that when I met him, she was dating him. It was all very loose, but I was wrong for that. We became friends again and I came clean about the whole situation, water under the bridge. But of all the guys I could've dated, I dated one of her's? Not cool.

On the other hand, I dated someone who turned out to be a friend of another guy I was once with. I had no clue they knew each other. No blood on my hands there. How would I know y'all were goonies. It's all a big stupid spiderweb and it can get confusing, so here's the cardinal rule: Don't do anything with anyone that in the reverse would bother you. It isn't just about respect, it's about being nice. And somehow niceness is overrated.

Despite this city's small parameters, there are thousands upon thousands of people floating on this little metropolis. While circles collide like crazy, it is completely different to go out of your way to date the friend of an ex. If you're mojo isn't up to par enough to find someone else? Well, make it easy on yourself...move to LA.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins


  1. And somehow niceness is overrated.
    i'd rather be kind than right- unknown

    and about that moving to L.A. thing? it's way fonkier in L.A. trust, i'm a native. you just wouldnt know from the outside looking in because most of the kneegrows out there be fronting (they are all actors and actress, whether paid or not!) and they carry on like things don't bother them, but they do.
    this is why i am single, i.do.not.share...my thinking is this: if i have to share my man with another woman, why don't i just "trick" men and take their money? why give away for free what you can get paid for? i know my mind is messed up for thinking that, but...and yes, i am a woman, but...men are just that stupid...that is why streets, alleys, and clubs are full of fools parting with their and their women's money!

  2. Interesting post. Funny you mentioned college. I used to say that "my ex- would usually pick my next" cuz women would talk about you so much that it would spark interest in one of their friends and we would end up dating. I never talk about GF outside a very close network of 2 friends. Lust has a way of clouding judgement, you know?


  3. LOL @ "Move to L.A." .... Hate to break it to you, but it's just as bad there!

    Good post!

  4. by LA I meant, move to another city. get outta mine ;)