Thursday, July 15, 2010

Ask B. : Depressed in DC

Dear B.

I lived in the city for almost ten years. With college and the traditional NYC life under my belt, I finally decided to give an old flame a second chance. We'd gone to Columbia together and then he'd moved to DC to start a political career. After it seemed to be working out, we decided to close the gap. I moved to DC to be with him as my career field wasn't so locked into where I lived. Just after our year anniversary, we broke up and I am stuck in DC without my boyfriend and without a ring. I'll admit I came down here to get engaged. We'd had a good relationship in college and the only reason we broke up was because we both agreed long distance wasn't worth it at the time. I hate to say it, but I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother. I thought he was the one, and I am having a hard time with this breakup. I think mostly because I'm in a city that seems to do nothing but remind me of him. I guess the real question isn't how to get him back, I know that's not really an option. He seems to have moved on already. But, why the hell can't I move on? It's like I've just latched on and can't let go. How long does this dating thing go on? It's painful! Either I'm hearing about crazy, depressing stories of horrible men from my friends or yet another friend is getting dumped by the guy she thought was the one. When will the right one come my way and how do you know it really is the one anyway? I feel like I'm asking for the meaning of life or something... le sigh.

Depressed in DC.

Dear Depressed in DC,

First, let me say that I, too, would be depressed if I had to live in DC. I'm kidding, but hopefully that got a chuckle out of you. Step away from the Prozac, it's going to be okay. Look, I'm going to be honest: I have no clue when he's coming your way. And with my track record, I sometimes wonder if they even exist, but I do know that there's this little thing called hope and that while reality threatens to take it away, you should hold onto it like nothing else matters. The dating pool is more of a swamp it seems, but I've learned that just when you want to throw in the towel and chuck the deuces (Breezy), is when some guy jumps out the woodwork and forces you back in the ring.

Secondly, there's nothing wrong with admitting that you moved to DC for a ring. I just hope that by ring you mean the actual union/relationship and not a sparkly diamond followed by a bank breaking wedding. Assuming you meant the first choice, you should feel fine knowing that that's what you wanted, that was your goal. And being a wife and mother, while not some people's idea of an amazing aspiration is an incredible job to take on and knowing that you want nothing more is okay too. I think women are so quick to think about all the things they need to change about themselves; their needs and desires, just to get some guy to accept the watered down version of themselves. Instead you should hold onto those traits and wait for the man who is deserving enough to call you wife, to create life with you. Yes, the dating game can be lengthy, but if you think about it in terms of the rest of your life-it's a teardrop in a bucket.

Thirdly, if you think about what a relationship is-the union between two people-you have to think about those two people as individuals. They're make and model has to join with someone else's and co-exist. That's really hard to do successfully. Relationships fail everyday, some after two months, some after twenty-two years. It's a constant crapshoot and it takes major work. If someone isn't willing to work for it now, after just a year (and a long distance move), you can pretty much guarantee that he won't work for it in years to come. I know you aren't interested in getting him back, but as far as moving on and getting over him, well that's just going to take time. Especially given the circumstances. You've known him for most of your adult life, you uprooted your life for him, moved to a foreign city, and set your sights on spending a lifetime with him. That's not easy to get over and the feelings you had for him aren't going to disappear overnight, but they will eventually. It's just one of those things. Eat some ice cream, cry it out and when you're ready, venture back into the world.

I don't know everything, but I do know that while most men suck donkey balls, they (most times) grow up eventually and want someone to share their life with just like sappy girls. And there's nothing wrong with being a sappy girl, passionate and full of emotion-women have hearts and that's beautiful and there's someone out there that is going to love all that sap, so just wait it out, girly. Keep the faith and make sure you invite me to the wedding! I love a good open bar!

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins

1 comment:

  1. be happy with yourself, by yourself because that is the only time you are truly yourself.

    if it is meant to be, it will happen.

    this is coming from someone who wanted it all and did it backwards...pregnancy, marriage THEN fell in love.

    20 yrs later. single, mother, still struggling, but loving the life i lead.

    would like a companion, but loving ME in the meantime!