Monday, July 12, 2010

The Tender Shepherd

I truly believe there are a series of classes every guy must take during their matriculation through life that helps them navigate their way. Life Lessons 101, 102, and so on. Somewhere in the mid-curriculum area is Life Lesson 115 (or if you're fast, 110), which is how to please a girl. Now, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that either y'all figured you knew everything, so you just pulled out your Gameboy and tuned out or you just suck. Meanwhile over at the girl's conference we were getting step by step schooling on what to do for you guys and what's more, we remembered the whole to assume makes an ass out of you and me thing and paid attention, assuming we knew nothing. There seems to be a bag full of tricks that every man pulls out in the bedroom that they think all women love, and somehow they are all just so damn aggressive and rough. What the hell makes you think that feels good right there? Sigh, well, B's here to tell you just how wrong you are. For once, pay attention.

The Bra Fiasco. Guys, when you want access to the boobs, there is a way to get that bra off. It is not by yanking it up so that it becomes noose-like, pushing our breasts out the bottom while simultaneously choking us. While it's hot to rip off lingerie in the movies, it actually doesn't feel that good when you yank or rip off a bra. Boobs are sensitive. Speaking of which...

Tune in Tokyo. I'm not sure who taught every man to do that weird forefinger/thumb nipple squeeze, but It. Hurts. You know what I'm talking about. The nipple dial. Whatever channel you're searching for, isn't coming through, so stop. I don't think I need to elaborate. Either you know exactly what I'm talking about and now know to cease and desist, or you have no clue and I don't want to further explain so you learn how to do it by accident.

Balancing Act. As I just said, breast are sensitive. And no they don't get less sensitive the bigger they are, so no you don't have to do more for the D-life girls. Kneading them like a blob of dough is not the business. Sucking too hard is no good either. Life is about balance, PLEASE find the happy medium.

Show Me Your Teeth. Does it feel good to have your dick chewed on? No? Really? Oh, okay, then what makes you think it feels good to have our clit gnawed on. Gentle nibbling is nice, but got damn, it ain't a piece of Bazooka. Chill out!

Gimme a minute. If you've done your job right, there's a grrrrreat finish line. But please don't go and ruin it by eating her through the orgasm, beyond it where she stops singing Tony, Toni, Tone's "It Feels Good" and starts crying out Jay's "Stop." I'm going to need about thirty-eight seconds of recovery time. To say the kitty kat is sensitive right after is about as big an understatement as saying Mel Gibson is a douchebag.

Miami Vice Grip. You're eating a girl out, you're really going in, in your opinion, and you feel her inching away, cause you're doing such a good job, she just can't take it. You're actually right. She can't take it-literally. If I am all but doing a backward somersault to get away that doesn't mean grab me back towards you, hold me in a vice and say something cute like, "Where you going?" Um, to give my vagina CPR, bastard.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins



    How do we make this mandatory reading?

  2. how about when they start doing something right and notice in your reaction, only to have them decide to stop and do something else at the worst time possible. Like wtf? Did you not notice I liked what you were doing? Every guy should re-read this one and take notes!

  3. A.D. and Brandy on the same fanning with the fan that has MLK face on it!!! GO HEAD...GO HEAD!!