Monday, July 26, 2010

I hate to start the week like this, but...

There are few things that shock me, but I literally sat with my jaw lying on the 2 train below the f*ckin asphalt under my 4 storied building when I saw this video. STUPIFIED! Smokahontas Jones? Rapping Hookers? I have to go throw up. Go ahead and watch for yourself while I barf the McFlurry I just consumed-which by the way, I had to trek to TWO different McDonald's before I struck cookies and cream gold at the third. Unacceptable, Micky Dee's. If I want to blow my lose-fifteen-pounds-or-literally-bust diet by indulging in an insane craving for a mixed up container of pure sugar and a few oreo cookie pieces, every. single. McDonald's. should. be. stocked. The second one didn't even have apple pies! What the hell else do people eat at McDonald's at eleven o'clock at night?! Sorry, tangent. Where was I? Oh, right, go ahead and watch. I have some chunks to blow.

There is something seriously wrong with the world we live in. What did we do as a people to deserve the curse that is Smokahontas Jones? I think I speak for the entire female population when I say, Thank you for setting us back about 3,927,431 years or better yet, thanks for making us wish Eve never gave the apple to Adam, hell, that they never even met and life never existed, so you couldn't either. I think I'm in shock. This is worse than Dick-Slanging. At least that made me laugh. This is just. I don't know.

I'm not sure what the worst part was. I had to keep pausing it to regroup before letting it play again. First of all, I have no clue what she's saying. Can I get a couple subtitles? She's got something-no clue what she's saying, but she's probably got a lot of things including sores and genital itching- and she gone "push it like a dope fiend?" Secondly, this particular part of Miami Beach looks like thee absolute worst place on earth. My goodness, toss a Disney theme park in there, cause this place looks like the perfect place to hang yourself from a ceiling fan! I'm also not sure which is Smokahontas and which is Memphis Blac. I could probably do a little research and find out, but I do not want that on my Google browser history. I might catch something. I'm just so embarrassed right now. To be a woman. To be black. To kick it in Miami. To own a pair of feathered earrings.

I blame Pretty Woman. Hooking is not cool! Like when on earth did it pass the bar and jump over par to become okay. It's still illegal and the only time I'm mildly entertained by it is when it's one of those HBO Specials about prostitutes in Hawaii and only airs after two in the morning. And even then, I'm entertained in the same way I am when I watch Locked Up: sort of scared and sort of ashamed for even watching and sort of sad because people actually live like that. I like the strip club as much as anyone else, but there is something so incredibly depressing about watching girls fist those dollar bills at their feet. There can't be much worse, other than having people pay you for sex. Well actually, there is something even worse: being Smokahontas Jones. I swore in last week's post that I wouldn't judge unless I'd experienced said situation myself. I recant my statement. I'm judging the hell out of this video and I don't even care. Sigh. This is some crap. It's messing up my writing too. This post is so out of order, no train of thought except that the video has sucked the life out of me tonight. It isn't even about dating or relationships, or really even sex except for the fact that these girls have more tricks than kids. I'm sure you're having equal adverse reactions. Let's talk about it or something. Maybe it'll be like a bad trip, we'll help each other come down safely.

Something's gotta give soon or we're all going to hell in hooker cootch.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins

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