In relationships, I'm learning that happily ever after just doesn't exist. Gone are the days of wishin' and hopin.' Instead, let's have a nice refreshing glass of reality. So here they are in no particular order:
1. It isn't realistic. Literally. Fairy tales are just that: a tale of something that doesn't usually happen, which is what makes it like the Loch Ness monster-rare, but special or interesting if spotted.
2. Happily ever after usually only lasts as long as the words themselves do. Imagine if there was a sequel to Sleeping Beauty or if we found out what happened after the Prince kissed Snow White. We'd probably find them arguing over where he was last night or finances, after all they are raising seven dwarfs.
3. People have problems, baggage, issues that can't be fixed in just a few colorful pages or a 2 hour Disney flick. You don't usually see therapy in animated movies.
4. Men are nothing like Princes. No need for depth on that one.
5. Women are perhaps a little too much like Princesses in contrast.
6. There's nothing to worry about in those stories. No careers in their happily ever afters. Cinderella no longer has to clean floors, and Jasmine and Aladdin no longer have to steal carpet rides or wish on genies. Their only job is to love each other forever. No toothbrushes left behind, no families and fortunes to divvy up. No one getting sick of loving the same prince forever and ever. So there's no stepping out or taking a break to find out what else there is to life.
7. It's always sunny at the end of the story. Seriously, there are no gloomy, rainy endings! Have you ever seen a fairy tale that ended with doom and gloom? No! Because that would mean happily ever after is a doomy and gloomy place and it isn't-well at least it wouldn't be if it even existed.
8. There are no lies told in happily ever afters. The Prince promises to stay and he does. The Princess promises to never be a sensitive nag and she does just that. In real life, people shy from honesty. They hide behind a facade of half truths, omitting what's real. You don't get happily ever after that way.
9. After the line, "and they lived happily ever after" is printed, there's nothing. Maybe one more blank white page to book end the book, make things even, but there's nothing! That's gotta mean something. If you stay in your house, do nothing, let no one in and live your life with DVR and Fresh Direct groceries, NOTHING will happen and there's your happily ever after. You might get kinda bored, but that's an OK trade off. Besides, there's scrabble online.
10. Happily ever after gives too much false hope. It should just say, "and they tried their best to live happily ever after, but they knew there would be pitfalls and hurdles, but if they stayed together and fought as long as they both wanted to, they'd have a shot at it."
Or maybe it should say, "the end."
That bitch stole my line,