Friday, February 12, 2010

The Bad, The Bad, and the Bad

I am constantly asked a certain question-by men and women alike: what constitutes being good in bed?

Being that I'm not a damn expert, although quite jolly good fun, there a few key points that make you good. My number one is inhibition-don't have any, just have fun, feel the moment, the energy. And no, sometimes the energy doesn't call for you lying on your back like a corpse. But, I digress.

The other day my friend cracked me up with a story of her last sexual encounter and how she barely remembered it (bad sign), but what she DID remember was a riot. I decided to write not on what makes you good, but what makes you the butt of jokes bad.

Yawning or other forms of indifference. OK, this is pretty obvious. If she or he is yawning, snoozing, filing their nails or solving mathematical equations, you aren't doing it right.

Dead weight. I already said this, but lying there lifeless is no fun for anyone. If you're doing that, you might as well just go to sleep rather than pretend you're doing anything for anyone. I'll tell you what he's doing as he pumps away above you: closing his eyes and thinking of someone or something else so he can cum and be done with your dumb ass. But dudes, you're not off the hook. Make her wake the hell up. Do your job.

Television. If you're riding him cowgirl and you think you're really doing work. Hell, you feel like you're on that mechanical bull at Johnny Utah's, but you look down and he's peering around you. You look at where his focus lies and it's the television. Sportscenter is on and he's trying to catch the highlights. Girl, you aren't doing it right.

Hurry Up. Or the reverse, you're going in and you think to yourself, "she's gotta be loving this. I'm giving her my A game." Now, she's not making any noise whatsoever and when she finally speaks she says, "are you done? Can you just hurry, I'm tired." I'm giggling as I write this, that's kinda funny, but yea, it's not going so well.

Bunny Boy. Not only does size matter, but so does time frame and the manner in which you take care of business. Rabbit sex has never been in, it isn't cute and when you get 4 quick strokes and you're done, yea, we're gonna talk about you...and bad.

Flat Lining. I understand that there are man issues and sometimes your member doesn't want to cooperate, but not being able to get it up is a really really really bad thing. Really.

Add your own by all means. That was fun and I'm even more thankful for my good sex.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins


  1. please don't tell my momma said:

    i used to be with this one guy (during the clinton/lewinsky scandal) and i was just like, wow...dudes (intelligent ones even) be losing they mind over bj's?!!! so, i said, ok...i'ma learn how to do this CORRECTLY, so i practiced on dude and practiced on dude and practiced on dude, till i really knew what was then, dude got all like...sprung on the head and that is ALL he wanted...of course we aren't together anymore, but that is a whole different story...i typed all that to say this:
    MEN ARE SELFISH AND's always all about I don't really like oral on myself (that's another story too) but, he just never did anything nice for me...i shouldn't have to ask be it in the bedroom or out of it...they just want everything to be about them...i am sick of it...(no Rosie or Ellen) but...sheeesh...what happened to chivalry...i bet any man 30 or under does not even know what that means....

  2. i think you already mentioned this, but my god, man, if she isn't making ANY NOISE WHATSOEVER, I'd say it's a bust, lol. It always shocks me that guys ask u how it feels, but forget to realize that aside from your mumbled, "good," you're not moaning, groaning, screaming, nothing! Sheesh, men.