Monday, February 1, 2010

Ask B.

Dear Blackie,

I met a guy about a month ago. Just to keep it quick, we hit it off immediately. Had one great date after another. My birthday happened to fall into that time and he really outdid himself. It all seemed to be going great! About a week ago, his daily phone calls decreased down to one or a few texts. Something seems off and while many of my friends are saying that I'm over thinking the situation, something just feels wrong. It seems too soon to ask him if everything is okay, but I'm getting worried. He seems to be drifting away and I don't really know what to think. Any ideas?



My best male friend, CJ, once said something to me that I will take with me wherever I go. I will share it to the masses because it has never failed or come up false. It is this: when a man isn't giving you his attention, he's giving it to someone else. I'm going to keep it honest here because the most obvious answer is usually the right one. Men are not the most complicated creatures, in fact they're quite easy to read if you pay attention and get your head out of the clouds. They are actually extremely honest and upfront, even if it isn't intentional, so when he isn't giving you his attention, it's probably because he's giving it elsewhere. It doesn't mean he isn't feeling you anymore, it just means someone else has been added to the team. That's the first part, the harsh part that I had to get out the way.

The next is something I've learned in my experiences: people only do what they want to do. As long as he's totally into you, he'll do whatever because it lines up with his own wants and desires too. They go in, yes they do, and not because they're trying to break your heart, but because they may see something special too. But just as easily as they're into you, one of their deal breakers can pop up and it can all be a quick wrap. Before you've even blinked, he's on to the next and you're wondering what went wrong. Perhaps it's something you did, perhaps not. Maybe it's just one of his weird turn offs. If this is the case, there isn't usually a whole lot of closure, which sucks, so you sort of just have to pick your jaw up off the floor and move on. It's only been a month, handful of dates. In the grand scheme of life, that's no time at all. And I don't say this to diminish what you had, I say this to be real. Think about the bigger picture here.

Finally, a woman's intuition is rarely off. Call it a blessing, call it a curse, but when a woman feels something in her gut, it's usually spot on. If you feel like something's wrong, you'll probably look back in hindsight and realize when that warning light lit up, something shifted. That shift is usually before a mudslide of some sort. Case and point. About a week before, around Thanksgiving, the guy I was dating was acting weird. As I put it to him? Disinterested. We talked about it, I was reassured that everything was okay, in fact, he seemed extremely sensitive to why I was feeling that way. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something seemed off. And if I look back and am completely honest, he wasn't drifting away, but things were shifting for sure. A few days after Thanksgiving, when everything seemed backed to normal, he broke things off and while I was shocked at the time, I think back to that little moment. The moment when a red flag shot up and was dog-earred. It all lined up. And later, as we tried to dig through the aftermath of taking a break, I knew it was over. Just something told me and so I cut all ties. It's just something women have. A sixth sense of sorts. If you feel like something's up, there probably is. If you feel like asking, go for it. If he's on his way out anyway, what do you have to lose? If he's just going through a busy or rough time, but cares about you and your company, he'll weave you into the loop and go forward from there. Women are often afraid of rocking the boat, asking questions, being up front. Men run for sure, but if he's going to run that easily, he isn't someone you want around, trust me.

Now, if you decide not to say anything, and he continues to slowly remove himself from your life, which is what he might be doing, don't fight that. No one wants someone around who doesn't want to be around. It'll only get messy. I firmly believe in the saying that people are removed from your life for a reason. Respect that reason and be thankful you got an out clause.

Hope that helped:)



  1. Wow, I'm going through a very similar sitution except it's been two months. For the last week or so the daily texts and calls have now gone to every other day. I've been telling myself something is off but my friends have been saying maybe he's busy, but I know if you really want to see someone you find the time. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have to cut my losts and keep it move. Thanks I really need to hear that today.

  2. I commented a week or so ago about a guy who had sort of dissappeared. He was starting to fade. And me being a the emotionally intelligent person that I am, let him do just that all on his own.

    When the first call went unreturned, I didnt follow up, text,or any of that. Just knew what was up and consequently let him go from my address book.Chalked it up to loss of interest/meeting someone else.He knew my home number, e-mail address, all that.

    Just as I was getting over it (I really liked him), weeks later, I ran into him in the club. I didnt see the need to speak really, just smiled and nodded. He had the audacity to hover all night, and approach me about why I hadn't contacted him and why I ignored him at the bar. Admitted that he wasn't as on board as we both thought in the beginning and apologized for no being up front about it, but still felt that I should have "fought" for him. Said I could have called again or asked why he was falling off.

    Needless to say I was glad that I guessed right and didnt have to ask. Sad but true.

    You are always on point.

  3. @truthinrumors their timing is impeccable isn't it?

    I agree, you're always on point. You always seem to hit the nail right on the head. luv the blog.