Tuesday, January 12, 2010

From Girlfriend to Girl Friend

You were his girl, now he wants you to be his friend. Actually, he's convinced you that hanging out, sans commitment, is the next best thing. That it's anything other than him having his cake and eating it too. But who has a cake in front of them and doesn't eat at least some of it? What purpose does that serve to let good red velvet go to waste, right? Don't grab that fork yet.

Here's the thing, if you weren't friends before, why would you be after? Perhaps the thing we miss most about a failed relationship is the friend aspect. He wasn't just your boyfriend, nor were you just his girlfriend. You were each other's BFF as well. You told each other good and bad news first, saw every new release, ate countless meals together, not to mention abandoned your other friends, creating your own inner circle fit for the two of you. So when it all, it all falls down, you were suddenly left with a double loss: the romantic and the best chum.

But you cannot go his first mate to his best mate easily. You cannot break up on Thursday and head to the movies as his friend on Friday. I understand you don't want to lose him, but clinging onto something that is drastically different-becoming the friend that happens to be a girl when you were once his girlfriend-is just too much too soon.

The guy I recently stopped dating invited me over several weeks ago. I had every intention of hanging out as usual because perhaps what I adored most about us was our easy friendship, how we got along effortlessly, but boy oh boy was I mistaken. When I arrived, it was odd. The flip to friends, which was unknown territory considering we'd never been such, was drastic as an understatement. After the initial kiss and hug, I felt like his homegirl. There seemed to be a giant elephant in the room, one that tauntingly tooted its horn at us, as we tried to readjust to this new world order. Then later as we curled up in bed, why I stayed I have no idea (hope perhaps?), not doing anything we'd done in the past, I thought, "This is stupid. This is what it means to have your cake and it eat it too and I'm not hungry."

In the weeks that followed, I would tell him that friendship was not for us, miss him incredibly, but hold fast to the "no friends" rule. My sanity is more important and when you try to jump to friends too fast, it's mass confusion with a side of constant discomfort. You're forcing out strong emotions, romantic ones, and trying to replace them with those that are platonic. Without realizing it, you expect things from the past and when those great expectations fall flat, you start to not only dislike the situation, but lose respect for the relationship that once was. It's a world full of newfound blurriness and rules that you aren't privy to as you were once his only girl friend. When you are living in a very black and white world-we're together, then we're not-it's very clear. When you step in between and enter grey land, it takes time to navigate that arena. I'm convinced it can't happen immediately unless you started off that way.

Leave well enough alone, break ties, maybe you can come back in the future as his friend...that happens to be the one that got away;)

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins

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