Monday, January 25, 2010

The Oldest Profession

I was all tucked in last night. The playoffs had just ended and while I was lamenting the inevitable end of my favorite sport's season, I flipped through the channels and was excited to find an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Many of you are familiar with the sitcom that beckons the second coming (but not the same caliber) of Friends. In this particular episode, Barney employs a prostitute to pose as Ted's date in order to make Robin jealous. In the end, Ted actually falls for the prostitute as they find all kinds of wonderful things in common. Right. It doesn't matter if you know the characters in the story either. The blog isn't about that. It's about why you can never date a prostitute or any other versions of the oldest profession.

Discounts and Freebies

You never get them and if you do it isn't because you're special, it's because you're their partner. It's not like the item they're selling is something you'd purchase anyway. For you, it's free regardless. Think about it this way: if your boyfriend worked for the Knicks, you'd happily gobble up all the free court side seats to watch one of the worst basketball teams in the world play. Not everyone gets that kind of treatment. But on the other hand, if you're dating a hooker, escort, stripper, etc, you can bet your bottom dollar that someone else is getting the very same treatment as you. Happy Endings and all.

Occupational Hazards

I think you can guess the most obvious hazards that can come along with this sort of job. STDs and the like, pimps, not to mention finding yourself on Maury Povich trying to figure out if you are 99.9% not the father!

What Will The Neighbors Think Theory

As in what will your friends and family think when you bring home someone who works in "sales." That falls right in line with bringing home someone who works in "pharmaceuticals." There's already enough pressure to mate up with someone with a good job, benefits, and money collecting interest in a savings account. Imagine when everyone finds out what he or she really does. Or when you have a friend over and he's like, "wait a second! I know I know you from somewhere!" There's a reason Richard Gere took Julia Roberts shopping in Pretty Woman. He couldn't parade her around on his arm dressed like a $5 hooker. He had to upgrade her to a high end escort in the very least. And don't even think about lying. The doghouse awaits as she assumes you're ashamed of what your she does for a living. It's what we call a lose/lose situation.


Now, you may be thinking: lose/lose? What is B talking about? You're thinking about the private lap dances in your own bedroom, the amazing sex and fun positions. But think about it a little bit deeper or at least beyond the first couple dates-when the excitement wears off. Whenever you're up in there, giving it your best, the thought will occur to you that she might be faking it. She works that muscle on a regular basis, faking it is almost natural I'm sure. Why would she suddenly be squirting all over the place with you? Oh, yes, because she actually likes you. Ok, sure. That means all the women in the world who like their boyfriends or husbands have never faked it for that very same reason. Hmmm.

New Position, New Position

Whenever something brand new comes into your sexual sessions, you're going to automatically think, "Whodat?" As in who taught her that cause you for damn sure didn't.


Ted actually says, "Call me old fashioned, but this is a deal breaker," when he's referring to his date's career field. I'd say so. Knowing that you're mate is giving out the nookie to any Tom, Dick, or Harry that is swinging his checkbook would, at the very least, be a deal breaker. Actually, the deal wouldn't even be on the table.

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins

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