Men are pissed, astounded, arguably calling women all kinds of gold-digging gardening tools as the settlement for Tiger and Elin Woods' divorce was finalized this week. Be a hater if you want, but she is hands down having the absolute best week ever, which I think is well deserved after the last year she's had. You can call her whatever you'd like, but I would have zero problem laughing all the way to the bank on a Sunday (yea, they open banks on Sundays for people who have Elin pockets), and I'm sure you'd have no objections either, so stop pretending. Just make the check out to "Chumpfest 3000." Thanks, do you need the spelling? E-a-t-t-h-e-s-e-n-u-t-s. In all seriousness, it really doesn't matter one way or the other because after being betrayed by her husband, who happens to be one of the highest paid athletes/people in life, Elin is in a complete win/win situation. In fact, she's the smartest girl EV-ER. Here's why:
1. A net payout of between $100-300 million. Elin went from model nanny to zillionaire in just a few quick steps. In fact, I think she could make a killing if she offered seminars on how you, too, can go from rags to riches without batting a nail. She's like Fran Drescher in The Nanny, but better! He was just something English dude. Tiger Woods is...well, Tiger Woods! While I'm sure she'd trade all the money in the world for a happy marriage, I think $300 million buckaroos helps soften the blow quite a bit.
2. She screwed Tiger Woods...literally and figuratively.
3. Like Jen Aniston, she's come out the other side as the victim. She's taken this whole debacle with such dignity and as a result, she gets to be America's Sweetheart for a bit, or Sweden's, probably both. So, now she's the victim and she's beautiful. Somehow I doubt she'll have a hard time leaving the starter hubby behind. The only downside here is trading up will be incredibly hard, but who cares! Bring on the pool boys!
4. Bi-Racial children are so cute! And Tiger is less than attractive, so doesn't that mean by default her kids will wind up hot? Also, one of them is bound to be great at golf like daddy and since pops isn't doing so well on the green these days, they'll need the new endorsements. TagHeuer for Kids.
5. Wasn't Sweden voted the #1 place to live?
6. She has a great pair of black, solid, aviator sunglasses...can someone let me know from whence they came? I want a pair, although I didn't just get a $750 million dollar payout, nor was I married to a man worth over a billion, so I probably can't afford them anyway. But if I took an Elin Woods seminar, hmmm...
7. The no-girlfriends-around-the-kids clause is brutal. The potential for Tiger to find another wife to cheat on grow old with is drastically decreased when he can't even have a girlfriend. But that's probably best for the time being. He realllly needs to focus on his other stroke.
8. There is a small roadblock for Elin in the settlement and it's the major gag order in place. She can't speak out about his affairs. Ever. Big deal! I bet Elin laughed at that one. Out loud. One, I highly doubt she is chomping at the bit to relive the whole saga and two, she's Moneybags McGee! She doesn't need to write a tell all book. Instead she can write one on what it's like to lay by the beach all day and do nothing but count your Euros. I'm sure it'll be a bestseller.
9. Another term of the settlement is Elin still gets to approve all staff! He can't even stick it to the nanny because Elin will probably make sure she is a spitting image of Nanny McPhee, which is probably good considering it's what got him into this mess in the first place.
Ugh, drives me crazy that I have nine. Let's even things out, add your own...
That bitch stole my line,