And so the step sister award season begins. Not quite the season between February and April when the Golden Globes, Spirit Awards, SAG Awards, and Oscars take place. Nope, the end of summer is not only signified by commercials about Trapper Keepers and backpacks, but the Emmys and other "award" shows like the MTV Video Music Awards alike. I find the MTV VMA's to be a bit of a stretch for a station that hasn't played a music video since 1996, but I barely watch MTV anyway, so who cares. On the other hand, I did tune into the Emmys and while I spent much of the broadcast cracking up with my best gay (who works in fashion and alway gives the most amazing criticizing descriptions ever-can someone give him a reality show please? And then nominate it in the best reality category, so we can sit and crack jokes live?), I also realized quite a few things from my very-third-party brush with Tinseltown:
1. Stephen Moyer is the most petite man and I no longer believe him as Snooki's, or whatever her name is on True Blood, vampire boyfriend, Bill. I am praying Anna Paquin had on a pair of 6 inch platform stilettos because they were literally neck and neck. I hate Hollywood for that. They have all these tricks like camera angles and blocks for the actors to stand on. Tom Cruise has special shoes with lifts in them. Lifts! Cheater. The leading man is supposed be the perfect, dashing man. That means he has to be over 6 feet. That's just the way. Too many sidekicks pretending to be leading men, I tell ya.
2. Jon Hamm is the hottest man alive right now. That Jennifer Westfeldt is laughing all the way to bed.
3. The quickest way to kill your sex life is to host a big award show. The opening numbers on those things are so incredibly bad. You ever notice how the writers of award shows never get nominated? Right. Because the jokes suck and ruin people's sex lives.
4. Only white people live in Hollywood-that includes Kim Kardashian.
5. I want E! to stop going out of it's way to make the American public think Ryan Seacrest is straight. He's dating Julianne Hough by the way. Major side eye.
6. Rita Wilson is the ultimate Hollywood wife and she and Tom Hanks are the ultimate power couple. Forget the Will and Jada's, the Brad and Angelina's. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are mega producers who make mega bucks and have have been around since the ice ages. Tom also still does a bit of acting, which is a hefty paycheck on it's own. They're the kind of marriage that would cost a whole lot more to break up, so they might as well stay together and be the conglomerate they are.
7. Lea Michele (from Glee) is never going to get laid if she doesn't grow those bangs out STAT.
8. This is a two parter about the hateration in Hollywood for black people. 8a. Blair Underwood has a new show out. He's the President of the United States. His character's last name is Ramirez or Rodriguez. I'm sorry? Did I miss the memo regarding Blair's "clear" hispanic descent? Oh that's right. I forgot every black person thinks they're Dominican and since Hollywood doesn't like black people, they went along with it. 8b. There's another new show coming out by producer J.J. Abrams, Undercovers. A Mr. and Mrs. Smith-esque show starring two black actors as the husband and wife! Yay!! Thisi s huge for us! Like Amistad getting his freedom ("Give us free!"). But then the two stars presented at the Emmys and I was blasted with the girl's British accent. I IMDB'd her and I can't even pronounce her name. She. Isn't. Black. She's the new Thandie Newton, if she's lucky, the resident Halle Berry. She is not Angela Basset or Viola Davis. Well, guess what, Hollywood? We aren't stupid, we elected a whole President into office, and he smokes and has the lips to prove it, so there! We can tell Gugu Mbatha-Raw isn't all the way black. Damnit, when is everyone going to just let black people be great?
9. I want to marry Ricky Gervais. He's hysterical. We'd laugh all day. Did you hear his little bit about Mel Gibson? I won't have a go at him. He's been through a lot...Although, not quite as much as the Jews right? I mean, if we're honest. Crack up.
10. The cast of Mad Men is insanely, unfairly, gorgeous. Except I was really annoyed with Christina Hendricks' dress. That va-va-voom figure of hers looked downright chunky in her dress and you could see her girdle undergarment underneath! I don't care about the fact that she was wearing one, long live spanxx and such, but I don't want to see your underclothes. There's a reason they're under your clothes. But we can always stare unabashedly at Jon Hamm. Sigh.
Honorable mention: Seat fillers are the happiest, hardiest clappers in all of mankind.
That bitch stole my line,