Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Never Trust a Diet Coke and a Smile

There is something I love a lot. Diet Coke. It's certifiably bad for you, but certifiably one of the best drinks. It works when you're just watching a little television, sipping on a straw in the movies, or on a hot day. It's crisp and refreshing bite cool you off with a slow burn on the way down. I love diet coke. But diet coke means something different to me now. And many of my friends who are reading this post know exactly where I'm going. Now, you can too. I sincerely suggest you diet coke as much as needed. It's what's best.

Several months ago, I was out with friends, I was intoxicated and I was trying to get into trouble. I was heading home, texting back and forth with a guy I was friends with, but had many relations with off and on. We decided I'd come over his place and after a quick rerouting in the cab, I arrived. It was late, he was already in bed, I slipped in next to him and we immediately started...cuddling. Now, anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows how I feel about cuddling, but this particular guy is this guy, so there's a friendship involved and I feel sort of bad using him sleeping over and not being nice. So we were cuddling, which led to him going down on me, which led to my happiness. Let's press pause for uno momento por favor.

Earlier that day I'd had a major craving for a yummy sandwich from my favorite neighborhood deli. I ate half before seeing the time and realizing I had to scoot, so I put the rest in the fridge with my unopened diet coke. I sort of couldn't wait to get back to it later that night.

Ok, you can press play.

So, there I am, stuck at my boy's house. He had just given me some pretty nice dome, so I didn't want to be mean. However, at that particular moment, I couldn't do anything but think about that diet coke sitting in my refrigerator at home. The back of my throat was itching for it. I had never felt this kind of thirst. Of course, I was drunk, so my senses were slightly heightened and being that the first hurdle was jumped (getting some), the second need was in clear and present view. I had to get that damn diet coke.

He made a comment about how worn out he was, which I knew meant he wanted me to just do some work on him, but I couldn't, didn't want anything in my mouth other than that cool, refreshing, slow burn of diet coke, so I laid there and eventually his breathing slowed and I could tell he'd fallen asleep. Perfect. I was ready to sneak out when I suddenly felt really stupid and incredibly bad. Was I really allowed to just get mine and leave at 4am? For a diet coke nonetheless? People have done far more for far less, but I wasn't sure. Every once in a while, I pay attention to that screaming voice in my head. So, I picked up my Blackberry and BBMed one of my boys, who I knew would be up. He always is. And sure enough he answered.

Me: Hey, what are you doing?

Andy: Chillin, Killer Clowns from Outer Space is on Showtime.

Me: Yuck, that movie freaks me out.

Andy: Yea, but in a childhood nostalgic way. What are you doing up?

Me: Went out, ended up at this guy's house. I want to leave though.

Andy: So go. It's kinda late tho.

Me: I know, I feel like I can't just roll tho. He's a good friend who I happen to get with sometimes.

Andy: .....

Me: Do you think he'll be mad if I leave?

Andy: Why do you have to leave? It won't kill you to sleep over. It's almost morning anyway.

Me: But there's a diet coke in my fridge and I REALLY REALLY want it.

Andy: Are you serious?

Me: Have you tasted diet coke? I think scientist have discovered it actually has cocaine in it.

Andy: You're crazy. Go to sleep. Have morning sex. It's way better than that damn diet coke.

Me: That's blasphemous. Diet coke is way better at this moment. You have no idea how badly I want it.

Andy: I mean, did y'all already have sex? If so, I guess you could roll. I don't know, this is silly.

Me: No sex. He went down on me tho, so I'm good.

Andy: You're just gonna leave that dude hanging after he ate you out?


Andy: That's really f*cked up.

Me: I really want that diet coke. What should I do?

Andy: I can't believe you're gonna leave him hanging like that?

Me: Don't even start, Mr. Pump & Dump. How many times have you busted and been like, "Thanks! G' Night!"

We battled it out for a few more exchanges before I just passed out. The next morning though, I woke up still thinking of my beverage and I snuck out super early to get home to it. Breakfast of champions right there. But since then, anytime I've gotten "taken care of" without doing so much as blowing in the guy's ear, the title bestowed has become: diet coked. Would you like me to use it in a sentence? My pleasure:

A: Hey, saw you with hottie from Soho. Did you guys sleep together?

B: Nope, but I diet coked him.

High-fives exchanged.

How do you just get a guy to eat it with no turn around? Well, I'm that good. No, diet coke is that good.

What's the one thing you would maybe cancel the do for? Food? The game? A good book?

That bitch stole my line,


Blackie Collins


  1. This post just are a stupid genius (a good thing)! coke?! The one time I left before getting 'stroked' was needing to get back to campus to catch breakfast. They were serving these cake donuts that I swear had crack in'em...I swear...they were SOOO good. I mean like they were so good they were served on rare ocassions really early in the morning. Hell just thinking about makes my mouth water...and I can't find them thangs ANYWHERE!! Oh, another is when they have those black friday specials at department stores...hey I really needed that Dell laptop for $300 eventhough they sold out while I'm damn near the front of the line! Diet coked...thats the name for it! Girl, you are truly a stupid genius!! Luv it girl!!

    - A.D.

  2. over happy that no one is home with me as i laugh hysterically at this post. Really!!! Diet coke lol. Seeing as though it has been 20 months (yesi keep a count) since I've had ANYTHING i can't think of anything that would make me run away from receiving, giving, or anything in between. This is by far my favorite post for you lol

  3. Girl I aint even mad. I diet coked a guy who wanted to spend the night. I told him I had to take my sister to the airport and didn't want her to see him there. Liieeesss!! He came back and I diet coked him another time two weeks later. Those were the days.

  4. @sojazzy favorite post?? this is what I'm talking about when I write something that just isn't popping for me, lol. I know the story is funny, but I felt like I wasn't writing it right, ya know? but i'm glad nonetheless! lol...and 20 months??? i'd be counting too!!!

    @AD sugar does it every time. And crack. sugar and crack.

  5. @silent you know he kept coming back bc he was hopeful that just ONCE he'd get in there with his other head. just saying. Never seen a more persistence guy than a horny hopeful.

  6. @B Actually we had invented sex a few times in the distant past and it wasn't even worth faking the funk. Once I knew I could diet-coke him without having to fake a "oh yes" and "right there" I was in control. I agree he thought if he just kept coming back, eventually I would give in. Little did he know that was never gonna happen. Been there. Yawned that.

  7. @silent snooze fest. I don't even bother with tickets to that festival. but if they're selling diet coke at one of the stalls? i might come for a few hours.

  8. Diet coke is diet coke. I understand, esp. if it was in a can.

  9. @megan girl. the can. don't get me started. even better when it's one of those old school coke bottles. i just came.;) welcome to the blog, tho!