Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Gimme a Kiss! (Well, let's talk first...)

Way back in my grade school Blackie days, besides being the flyest fish on the playground, well let's be honest, the stables ($word$), I used to search for signs of blossoming love amongst my friends. It's what we did; hell, even if there were no googly eyes, they could just sneeze in each other's directions and the singing would begin. Blackie and Michael sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love- insert needle scratching on record, car breaks screeching, or Diana Ross shouting Stop! (in the name of love), whatever you gotta do to cut that scene. Let's hit up the little land of reality. Kissing is NOT always the gateway to love.

I was watching the Bachelor Pad, which I adore- the possibilities of finding love and $250,000 in one pop is pure genius-when the contestants set up for the day's competition. A kissing competition. Basically, ABC thought of the easiest and least creative way to get all the contestants to make out with each other on national tv and did they ever! Everyone was blind folded and whoever got the most votes for best kiss (based on a number that identified them), won the rose and was safe for another week. Obviously, everyone went (Jon) ham and made out like bandits who needed each other's tonsils to survive some sort of bandit genocide. It was excellent television for Monday night.

But, as they voted and discussed, I started thinking about best and worst, yes, there's a list for today's post. I consider myself a pretty great kisser, tried and true, which might make me sound like the kissing bandit-what is with me and bandits today-, which I have no problem with at this moment. So, wondering what category you fall in? Not sure if that lip smacker made her turn into little Niagara or The Sahara? As usual, let B help you out.

The Good:

The Gentle Cycle. You gotta love it when a kiss involves a slow start, gentle, but full of allure. You also gotta love the follow through and when those gentle kisses become intense without overkill, you look like you hit the lotto twice. The perfect amount of eager gentility is stronger than any lick down. More on that later.

Love Bites. Nothing is more sexy than a little nibbling of the lips during a smooch. Lightly grazing is key, so please don't treat their lips like a pastrami on rye from Luncheonette.

3 H's: Hands, Hair, Hips. I made this up the little 'H' bit, but it basically means using the whole body in the kiss. Of course you wouldn't have your hands all up in her hair on the first date, nor would rub your hips up against him or let your hands roam free with someone you barely know; unless, you're trying to do it all in one shot. I recommend these kinds of kisses with a familiar partner. I don't see nothing wrong, with a little bump and grind-the PG kind, please. This post is about kissing, not the whole enchilada.

The Bad:

All spit everything. Too much saliva just sucks. No need for elaboration, really, but akin to supporting evidence in term papers, here's an example. In no way, do the involved parties want a bath. In fact, at that moment the last thing they were thinking about was how fresh and clean they felt...and then you spit all over them and suddenly all they wanted was some Dove and a towel. Way to kill the mood and your chances.

Tongue and Groove. One of my high school crushes was into this weird flicky thing with his tongue. It felt a lot like tag. I'd be chasing after his tongue and he'd just keep wiggling it all over the place, just out of my mouth's reach. He usually ended up confusing me, like dude, is there an ice cream cone on either side of my mouth or what? I felt like I needed a lasso to get that thing under control. I stopped liking him soon after. It was exhausting trying to catch his tongue all day.

The Ugly-I hate to talk about these as they're very traumatic, but I'll take one for the team if y'all can learn something. No smooch left behind. Here we go:

Open Sesame. Nothing is scarier than going in to kiss someone and peeking just for a second, only to see them staring back at you like the undead! It's scary and just stop it! It makes me feel like I'm starring in The Last Exorcism. No! Stop! Please stop looking like you just had a round of botox!

Mouthing Off. Having a big mouth is only cool in the 7th grade when you and your friends used to dare each other to try and fit your whole fist in your yapper. Not much has change, sorry. Let's say, you're about to kiss, you're both eyeing each other, connecting without freaking each other out with open eyes and you notice his mouth is as open as Kat Stacks at a Rock the Bells concert. Two wide lips ready for fly catching are just coming at you and before you know it, they engulf your entire mouth; your ear, nose, throat. All of it. If you haven't experienced this, than good for you, but for those who have...well, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'll give you a minute to erase the sensory recall (and let you throw up).
Solid As a Rock. Lastly, I'd like to give a shout out to a new one. I often like to think there's nothing new under the sun, then I met Jason. Jason and I went out and , later, when we were conversing on my couch, after a great date, I actually felt a bit excited. He was-shocker-nice! He put his glass down, leaned over and gave me a light kiss. It was quite lovely. Then he put my glass down and moved closer. Woohoo, nothing makes Blackie happier than a little necking, but alas Blackie then got very sad for Josh just stuck his tongue out. Like in a 4 year old way. Just out. And it was stiff and hard! I couldn't even gently push it back in with my own lips or tongue. It was unwavering, undaunted by the fight. Never have I been so baffled. I nibbled a bit on it, then sucked it a little...lastly I stuck my own out, maybe a sword fight would fix all of this. I almost laughed at the absurdity. This wasn't working. So much for the nice guy. But hey, at least he didn't finish last as they say. He is my absolute winner for worst kisser! Congrats!

Use those lips for something else...tell me your best and worst...

That bitch stole my line,

Blackie Collins

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